herlucidlife

This post will be a little different. This post will not have a scripture. This post will be me speaking from the heart. It’s okay to talk to God with no scripture, no filter, just truth and prayer. Every post is blessed by God, I write what He tells me, so today’s post will be a little different. 

Doubt. Felt down on myself yesterday, like I wasn’t enough. Felt ugly, unworthy, and covered in sin. I felt far away from Jesus. Started questioning if God wants me ministering to people. Started doubting if God called me to speak His word. Sometimes, I think I have to be perfect without sin before I can help people get closer to Jesus. As if God can’t use someone who is dirty to spread His word, because He has countless times. 

Always thought I wanted to be perceived as “good” or “godly” to others but honestly, I want to prove to myself that I’m God’s child seeing His fruit in my life. Wanting to see His character, His imitation in my life. Proving to myself that I can live a life of love devoted to Jesus only. I always tell myself that I’m doing my best, to make myself feel better for the lukewarm Christian life I’ve been living. I binge a Christian life like bad reality tv, popping into a show/role for some months just to take off the hat when I get exhausted. 

Fearful of God’s direction because it means getting uncomfortable. It means doing heavy work and staying focused. I found comfort in my sin, in my misery. Spiritual warfare is real and I fight in battle everyday. Rather, God says He will fight every war and that I am victorious because He’s won. So why do I fight ? Obviously, I do not have any authority on spiritual warfare, but sometimes, wondering if I bring certain spiritual warfare on myself by not being obedient to God. What if every toxic thing my mind says to me is because I continue to feed toxicity through sinful behavior. 

Believing that when I sin, power is given to something far beyond my authority. That darkness is creating new wounds and opening old wounds that were once closed. Sometimes, Satan has me questioning if I ever had God’s covering. Having to take responsibility for my actions because no one told me to sin, no one forced me, yet I chose freely just like I chose to follow Jesus freely. Why do I attempt to follow both when knowing I can’t? There is only black and white no gray, am I that self absorbed that I believe God is going to overlook my blatant sin. He will not. 

I truly believe that God is ready to move but He will not open the next door if I’m showing unpreparedness. He gives me the tools to become prepared but it’s my choice to use them. He’s waiting on me to move. Heck IM waiting on me to move, to choose better. I keep choosing bad habits that leave me stagnant and feeling ugly about myself. When will I find joy in the challenge of walking with Jesus. 

Encouragement and Thankfulness. Look, even as I write this, I know God is using me. Sometimes His strength is quiet, it may go unnoticed. Getting so bogged down in what I’m not doing, that I forget to look around and see how God’s using me. I forget to look around and see that God has never left, His hand is on me. Forgetting to look by faith, and not by sight. What I’m feeling will help someone, me included. 

God doesn’t want me to wait till I’m perfect to minister, rather He’s called me even in my ugliness to be a light for others and myself. Satan is trying to slow me down, he wants me to think I’m worthless and spouting nonsense. OH BUT GOD! He is using me still, keep pushing forward in my purpose. Though the progression seems slow, I will not let Satan steal the joy of even just a little progression from me. All praise and gratitude belong to God, Alpha and Omega.

Just a year ago I would have never created a blog, I would have never tried YouTube, I would have never tried exploring myself creatively through God. Settled in my life I felt complacent, without purpose, without dreams, without goals. God is literally helping me explore my talents that I may use each to glorify Him. Dreams that laid dormant, are now awake, looking for positive energy. God is bringing me through this warfare, though thoughts cloud my mind, trying to make me believe that I am not covered. Trying to make me believe that I’m not under God’s umbrella. When I look over my life all I see is His paintbrush. Satan is lying to me, I won’t give him the satisfaction of taking me down. 

Thank God for blocking door ways, and opening worlds. Thank God He’s allowing this warfare to carry me deeper into Him. Thank God He is showing me His character and love. Thank God this trial is preparing me for the blessings and storms ahead. Thank God for the Spirit that keeps working in me. Thank God for the spirit that keeps praising You, right in Satan’s face. Thank God! Thank God that You know me, that You saved me, that You keep me. Thank God He put yearn in my heart to love Him too. 

Let’s pray together. Dear Father, I pray God covers the reader of this prayer. I pray your pain is covered. I pray God holds your hand in every moment. I pray God teaches You His love and that you know His love. Father, grant them protection from the evils at play, covering their mind and spirit from the warfare that is never ending. Grant them refuge in Your arms. Allow their life to be covered in Your grace, mercy, and favor. Thank God for their being. You created them with goodness in mind, I pray they see Your love in every way. Father, In The Name of Jesus cover every sin, every hurt, every sorrow, every joy, every smile, every inch of their being and life. 

In Jesus Name We pray Amen.