herlucidlife

Hello naje here…mourning brought me to God’s feet, closer to mother’s heart.

Those who mourn are blessed, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4).

I was cleaning out the house last night and ran across a book of letters written to me on my sixteenth birthday. Letters from family and friends, but the letters needed most were those written by my mother. I’ve felt a huge void in my life since her passing, life feels without direction. She was my moral compass, my spiritual helper in this world, keeping me grounded, reminding me of who I am. She was the first person I heard God speak through.

Those who mourn are blessed. I mourn for her, for the way life used to be. Sometimes, it’s hard accepting that she’s gone, life has changed. Though, she’s not here but the pain is, mourning has also been beautiful. Mourning has taught me that life changes to either propel me forward or backward, but change will never bring what I’m used to. 

God’s love never changes. I see that sometimes God has to remove certain people, situations, and things out of my life to make room for what He has planned. He always planned for her exit, He also planned for it to work in my good even though it would hurt. She brought me to Jesus, taught me about Him but I can’t help but think that perhaps her presence in my life was enabling me to stay sheltered, rather than fully leaning on God. Leaning on God through someone else is helpful until it’s time to fly without them. She planted the seed and grew the plant, but it was Him who was to mature me. God’s love is blessed.

She was my first soulmate, she taught me who I was in God. I’ve since gone astray, living a life I never wanted, accepting things and  people into my life that drew me further from God, further from myself. Lost the direction back home. My being stopped feeling like home when she left. God wanted to draw me near but I used her absence as an excuse to loosen boundaries, to explore the world, to be of the world living in sin.  I had to learn how to love God without my mother shepherding me. Oh but His love never changes, nor will it leave.

He continues to bless me through the prayers she sent on my behalf. He continues to honor their relationship, while also fostering a bond in me. The road to God’s blessings can sometimes hurt, but He has never felt closer. His face has become more familiar, our bond stronger, and His community of believers feel more like family. Though I have so many more roads to walk with my Jesus, I thank Him that she planted that seed, it lead me deeper into Jesus and I’ll always be connected to my mother, my sister in Christ.

For they will be comforted. It’s been a little over five years, and God’s comfort has never left. My God knows the hole her leaving left in my heart. Other close family members that kept her memory alive have now passed on and that hole grew deeper. Feeling as though I had lost more pieces of her, when needed the most He brought me her words. She always brought me back to God’s feet. He brought her presence to comfort me in many forms outside of her physical body. 

God has been and is my most deepest comfort. Though my mourning comes in moments, I’ve learned that perhaps her death will always be something I mourn. Life has changed but my love for her remains deep in my heart. God makes sure that we stay connected through the love we have for Him.

Grief is too mourn. God controls when grief strikes, I can only be obedient to the healing season He brings. As my disobedience can prolong my hurt. If I allow, my grief can lead to healing, all of which bring me closer to God. I learned that God breaks to bring me closer for the healing. Closeness with Him can cover even the deepest wounds for His love covers all hurt. 

For a moment I allowed grief to create a void that pulled me from the little girl within. I lost myself for a moment in time, realizing that I put my identity in my mother and not God. The little girl within was scared and I did nothing to care for her. He showed me that I stopped loving myself, needing to get back grounded, get back to taking care of that little girl. Comforting how that little girl supports the adult form God is creating in me, for she holds onto Him as a child holds onto their parent. For my grief and healing is not strength in myself but comfort in God.

God is community centered also meaning that grief and healing are community based. He brought comfort through family and friends as I had to learn to create bonds with them outside of my mother. He showed me that they cared for me far past her presence, and perhaps to be remembered of her through me. Sometimes, I neglect the community He’s blessed me with, admittedly I need to do better. 

God knows. I’m not sure what you may be grieving, as grief mourns the ending or death of something; a person, a situation, a relationship or friendship. Give yourself permission to not be strong but to gather comfort from God at your weakest time. Comfort is God’s strength in soft form, gently He walks with you. Be vulnerable as it allows others the space to grieve. Grieve and mourn with the community God has blessed you with, even if it’s you and one other person. If you are alone or feel alone, know God’s presence is like air, He is every where though invisible to the eye His actions are seen and felt deeper than any connection. Breath, allow air to fill your lungs, as His love flows deep into your heart. 

Your heart may be angry at God for taking away your stability, devastated that He would take away something so precious. God reminded me that my mother was His child first. We all belong to God before we ever belong to people. Though it hurts, I have no authority in her staying, but He has authority in allowing her passing to benefit us both. Remember God does everything that we may be brought closer to Him. If your angry, pissed, take those emotions to God be brutally honest about how you feel, He wants to comfort you. He just wants you close.

My prayer is that you run to Him, He cares for every tear, He wants every burden. Please, I sincerely urge you to come to Him. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).

*These questions are for your personal journaling. I pray God leads you to His heart.

Discussion Questions:

1. How has mourning/grieving brought you closer to God ? If not, what emotions/feelings keeps you from coming to Him ?

2. Describe the love He’s given you in time of mourning. If, you feel He has shown no love, what evidence proves your perspective ? AND what would need to change for you to see His love ?

3. What has mourning taught you about God ? About yourself ?