herlucidlife

She wanted to be wanted by someone that didn’t want her. She wanted to be cherished by someone that only cherished her from a distance. She wanted to be seen by this person as more than a friend, but instead she choked down her feelings to only wanting a friendship.  She had given this person her heart without them asking, without their knowledge she was indebted to this person. 

She was always seeking validation through guys. Rarely did she feel beautiful or pretty despite being told, growing up she wanted to be liked, most often her being was overlooked and her self-esteem was low. At the age of seventeen she began dating in college, allowing others to shape how she thought of herself. Never going without a distraction for ten years, she was searching for prince charming, something that felt real and heavy. Denying what she truly wanted for herself, denying what God wanted for her, she morphed into what they wanted. She lost herself and who she was because who would want the real her. 

Guys didn’t seem interested in what she brought to the table, so she felt. She showed up real but they always wanted to alter something, it was never right. They loved her chill carefree demeanor, she went with the flow until the flowing washed her identity away. Seeking validation from imperfect humans, none could save her soul, yet she wanted their approval. How drained she must feel, all she has to remember herself by is pain. She feels the most at home when hurt, when lost in grief, she feels safe in heartache. 

Validation is her vice, she dopes up looking for the next person to say; “I want you, unchanged, unaltered”. She thought she found something real, never feeling wanted she found another person that felt unwanted as well. Unfortunately, once again, she found someone that wanted to change and alter her to fit what they needed. Holding onto emotions and feelings from the past, her healing was neglected. She came to this person holding all of her baggage, her past stained with broken behavior. She was so sure this patchwork job would do. 

So sure she could barrel forward and everything would be okay. Thinking she could transfer affection, she was naïve. In the midst of seeking acceptance, she found herself drowning in a sea of love, love for someone that didn’t want her. Not only did she drown herself but she buried her current love in a sea of hurt.

She felt stupid. She embarrassed someone she loved, they were undeserving of her treatment. She embarrassed herself with her behavior, allowing emotions to run rampant, they were abandoned. Needing to be approved of, left her not approving of herself.