herlucidlife

She was told to be honest numerous times by God, by close friends, yet fear kept her closeted. Shifting, tossing and turning with these emotions she considered they were fake. Perhaps she was confusing what her gut deeply knew. Faking out loud allowed her to woo others into thinking she was okay. She was suffering inwardly with demons that crept in from trauma, even fooling herself. 

She wanted to be stronger than what she was, she really wanted to be okay. Trying to hear God all she did was talk, never wanting to listen scared of what He would say. She kept God at arms length okay with her daily ritual that kept her conscience satisfied. Still in the background, manifestations of disobedience tumbled in her mind, a freedom that was created by her own hell and lies. Looking for God to turn it around she still hurt someone in the process. 

She was selfish. She wanted what she wanted, when she wanted it. Stiff-necked she dug her heels in against her Father, not budging, He allowed her to have the share. Thinking only of her comfort, she omitted truths that needed to be told. Ignoring the healing she ran, believing every lie in her head, she ran into an angel in disguise. That angel, though imperfect, helped her gain valuable knowledge for the road ahead. 

She wanted to house him in her heart forever, but the demons wouldn’t rest. She tried her hardest to love the angel right, doing everything she thought support should do. Blinded, she was trying to follow God, she thought she was on track but she kept holding secrets and lies. Secret action to cover up lies of the heart, this affection had never touched her body but it had her heart. Her mind tried to tarnish the angel, the devil knew what would keep her trapped, he eavesdropped on her prayers. 

The angel loved her tenderly, never allowing her antics to sway his heart, he was solid. He wanted to be loved by her, the angel had scars that needed healing too. Yet, he loved her stronger than he knew how, but she kept falling into mental traps. Believing he was a devil dressed as an angel, she didn’t trust his love. 

Finally, she told the angel, “it’s over,” my heart belongs to the embrace that stole my mind years ago. She was holding tight to her embrace even at the expense of her well-being and union. Telling the truth set her demons and angel free, she was nervous. Scared without her angel, she had regret feeling like she messed up. 

She surrendered the angel for something more painful, matters of the heart won over matters of the mind. Logically, she left an angel priceless and rare, for a feeling that couldn’t keep her lonely at ease, she willingly drew the short stick. What does she know ? She was just speaking honestly, finally being obedient she felt. The next step wasn’t obedience, more it was the consequence of her lies. God allowed it to play out, but at least she was free. 

Life is not what she thought it would be, the grass is not greener, rather it’s tanned dead.  But just wait, her Father will bring that grass from tanned dead to greener than life.