herlucidlife

Life is murky, she doesn’t see herself, rather she sees a version she doesn’t like. Her healing had always been outward, always looking for a vice to take away her pain. Never understanding that her pain couldn’t be fixed from the outside. No running required. 

Feeling run down, lonely, and unloved, controlled by what others thought, she lived for the world, she lived to be liked. Parading around as authentic, she was a fake, a phony too scared to be honest. Telling others how to live their lives, she never took her own advice. Allowing triggers to be neglected is dangerous. The doorway to wounds; these emotions, thoughts, words, people had led her back into spaces she thought had healed. Ignoring is not the same as healing. 

Never stopping to check if she liked herself, she only cared about the outward, her appearance. How she viewed herself was based on how others saw her. Ignoring God’s love, He was standing by just waiting to love her. For He loved deeper than she could ever fathom, He longed for her to be near, but she was too focused on the world to take Him seriously. 

Temporary satisfaction clouded her judgment further prolonging the inevitable come down from the high. She was running, using the high from the world to self medicate, her coping mechanism was destruction. God wanted to bring her to life. She was struggling to take the first step. 

Her mind keeps wrestling with the same struggles God has already taken victory over.  Procrastination, filling her time with things that take her from God’s side, she’s nervous about letting go. She’s nervous to give God her attention. She’s nervous about not being enough to be trusted with the life He wants her to have. She’s nervous to let go of her coping mechanism, it’s become a part of her. Healing takes focus, tending to triggers like sores, knowing oneself through God is intentional. 

So she lights another and another until she’s ready, trying to set boundaries in place so she doesn’t fall. She’s wasting precious time, so many goals and dreams in her mind, nothing that’s out of reach; she lights another. It all began so simple, a little here a little there, what’s the harm of another light. Sparking away unaware of the time, she laid unhealed. The habits she acquired handled her roughly, wanting to prove she could control herself, she had little. She based her healing on what she thought someone else’s healing looked like, she was the fool.