herlucidlife

Her boundaries would often loosen around guys, finding it difficult to stand up for herself. She went against her gut doing things she knew wouldn’t bring her joy. Too insecure, she wore her heart on the sleeve, often the heart got stepped on. Why was it so difficult to protect herself ? 

The moments after left her feeling unsettled and disappointed in herself, having the opportunity to stick to the boundary, she didn’t. Allowing herself to be talked into a situation she knew wouldn’t feed her but she didn’t want to cause more damage. For once again, his needs went above her own. She’s trying to build something in herself, he just wants comfort for the road ahead. She’s looking for a fuller soul, willing to isolate what she needs to change. No one will prioritize her healing, being nonchalant won’t guard her heart.

She wasn’t ready but she obliged anyway, this is the toxic behavior that feeds the insecurity. Controlled by the negative thoughts in her mind, controlled by fear of conflict, controlled by everything but herself, she doesn’t feel good. Leaving a minefield of opportunity for wrong behavior, she’s tired of using the same coping mechanisms to feed the numbness. Tired of running, the only way out is through, not over or around. Coping had brought callous disregard into her atmosphere, giving her power away unknowingly, her body suffered. 

Often she wondered if the quietus of her father left her roaming for approval in ill equipped hands. Being told she was special didn’t feel special, suspicious she kept her self-esteem low. His demise was an act of God nothing could’ve changed it yet the damage was done to her young heart. Unaware of mourning, she cried for him deeply, eventually his memory would fade and her heart would begin to treat his absence like a fact rather than a painful event. 

Heedless, she really didn’t understand or internalize the impact life had on her. Life was happening but her reaction to the occurrence was either unhelpful or inappropriate. Trauma kept her trapped in an age of mental instability and spiritual cloudiness. Thinking she couldn’t get any lower fate would bring her lower still, there’s something in the mud God wants her to find.