herlucidlife

Feeling like she betrayed herself, a promise was broken. Her heart was tangled with the emotions for another soul, her heart feels like it’s shrinking, morphing into uneasiness. She’s unsure, not ready for the tough road ahead she keeps walking. She can’t keep her mind straight, not wanting to hurt the other; she only wants peace to process the emotions. Her body may be on the ground but her heart has taken flight, in a different realm she is healed, set free, and loved by her love. Then she comes back to earth, where her pain is real, her healing is just beginning, and her love is a friendship that carries baggage. 

Since sharing her emotions she’s been in space, consumed by thoughts daydreams play out, some beautiful some sad. Yet, it’s all a lie. Her heart doesn’t belong in union, but it doesn’t trust the other soul either. Assuming telling the truth would bring freedom, instead it brought more hurt and murkiness. Perhaps it takes a while for the water to clear, perhaps it’ll take a while for her heart to settle and become wise, perhaps it’ll take a while to recover from the neglect her soul has endured. Or perhaps she’s just a fool for catching feelings, for falling, how stupid ? No one said they would catch her, bruised on the floor, maybe she made her bed, lying alone mm she’s ashamed. 

This person couldn’t love her, they loved someone else, she was JUST a friend, someone to have fun with when the chips were down but never taken seriously. She was fooled, buying into subtle flirting, holding onto every action every word, she was pathetically lovesick. Rubbed raw because she never told this person she wanted more than telling the truth, lying to herself she hoped they would understand her wording. But she knew they wouldn’t pry or overreact, torturously they acted the way she expected; unbothered. 

She doesn’t want to give her heart away, she wants to take it back. Taking back everything she said it hurt too much to carry, instead she’s going to give that love to herself. So consumed with not feeling wanted she overlooked an important detail, she wants herself. She wants to hold her, care for her, love her deeper than any guy has ever loved her. God will show her how to love but first she must learn how to remove the pain. She has some growing to do, growing without any distraction, this time is meant for her and God alone. 

She wanted love to be a distraction, she wanted to attach to someone to take the pain away, no one could be that but God. Yet, God requires a lot more than humans, He holds expectations and commands. Placing a call on her life, He’s looking for obedience through love, walking with God takes more responsibility than walking with man. Loving man is lonely, full of hurt people, the world is bouncing with grief, we’re all carrying something. She can’t be hurt or saddened because just as she had to allow room for her freedom, love has to allow room for his freedom, and union also has to allow room for his freedom.