herlucidlife

Attention seeking was the coping mechanism for her insecurities. Men and lust were the coping mechanisms for her father. Substance and marriage was the coping mechanism for her mother. Coping behavior brought a pain that numbed out her heart. She wanted to live a life that didn’t need escaping, no need to run, not even from the pain, it was time to be real, to feel real. 

As she got older, she noticed her personality was addictive. Not knowing what moderation was she went until there was no more. Her body was the first weapon that shot her full of instant gratification, unaware of the damage at a young age she was hooked. Lust was her first drug of choice, leaning on it to pass the time, to make her body feel sensations that it had never felt. Something about it made her feel rejuvenated yet dirty. Not caring about the emotional impact, she thought it was okay, she wasn’t hurting anyone, but unknowingly herself. Yet, the world wide web had become her biggest obstacle, how could she refuse such a welcoming host.

This demon would sit on her shoulders for many years, allowing her to question her solidarity to God, to herself, to the health of her sexuality. Holding hands with the enemy gave her courage to pick up substances, numbing her body she felt airy and light. She liked losing her mind, feeling uninhibited her cares seemed to float away. Substances didn’t make her feel gross and dirty like lust, but luckily she had hands for both. Hands full of distraction she struggled to hold onto the being she loved.

The behaviors of her past would flow into her present and future, for her personal demon had laid a path of destruction. Questioning if she belonged to God, she tried to stay close. Never letting her heart let Him go, though her actions were sinful, questionable at best; He covered her anyway. Soon she would look back and notice a trail of heartbreak, not letting herself get a word in edgewise she kept inviting more substance into her life. 

Going until finished, she had no chill, there was no medium she was all in. High to get high, drunk to get drunk, lust to feel lusted for, sex to feel sexy. She wanted feelings that altered her body, she wanted emotions that brought her body to life, until it brought her body to death. On the brink of spiritual starvation she was doing just enough to feel God’s covering, but not enough to notice His leadership. Years had gone by but her personal demon was still on the shoulders, making sure to remind her of the coping she loved and hated. 

She tricked herself into thinking her behavior was okay, that it was normal, that the amount of excess she welcomed into her life was needed. She knew deep down, the hole she dug was way deeper than she could imagine, but God’s love went deeper still. Reckless behavior just invited more recklessness, she was involved with people that had the same demons. Friends in the struggle, accountability was scarce. Growing weary her body began to show negative signs, it was no longer fun and games but real life, her life depended on removing these behaviors.