herlucidlife

Life happened. Life happened and it ate her alive. She wasn’t ready for the mountains and valleys. She wasn’t ready for the consequences her bed of lies had created. She always thought if she prayed hard enough it would happen, but in the midst of praying she forgot to move. She forgot God wouldn’t move her but she had to move herself. He has all the patients in the universe, but she has limited time. 

Scandering her time she stopped moving, she stopped being obedient and allowed life to happen to her. Faded and jaded, she didn’t really care as long as she got what she wanted. But what she wanted was no good and earthly, ravenous for results, she saw the work as obstacles and stayed still. So holier than thou, talking a good game, he saw right through. She was shallow, just wading, wanting her Father to do everything while she reaped the benefits, she was spoiled and selfish. 

It hurt to hear the truth, with such anger and hurt in his words, she knew he was right. Telling herself the same things but this time hit different, shook to her core she saw how her sin drove him away from God’s feet. She prayed for his protection, but she never cared enough to change her actions to benefit his protection. She was carelessly neglegent. She got what she wanted too bad it felt like she sold her soul to achieve it. Does God still love the one that destroyed another ?

Reaching out to the wrong person left her feeling alone, it must’ve been payback for her years of absence. Looking for sympathy in a hollow frame, there was nothing to be found but a pathetic mentality. It was clear she had done damage on both ends, burning bonds people were bruised, including her. She wanted to be angry with him, him, and God, but really she was angry with herself.  Anger filled her mind leaving no room for compassion toward herself, she really didn’t deserve any.

Angry, everything could’ve been prevented. Angry because she never thought her actions would turn him from God. Angry because she thought she could go back to how things used to be, assuming she was wanted. Angry because she thought God was going to move mountains without her having to do anything. The joke was on her, she was the only one with egg on her face.