herlucidlife

Trauma had left her self-centered, assumption was her biggest ally. Thinking only of her pain she wasn’t the only one going through grief, heartache, heartbreak, heart loss. Trauma made it easy for her to take things too personal, but if she stopped to regroup she would see it’s not about her and what she wanted. Satan had a funny way of allowing pain to feel one sided, it’s effortless to ignore someone else’s trials when they are hidden and not felt.

She almost acted like his world should revolve around her, or maybe selfishly she wanted it too. Her sin had left her useless to those around, to the Kingdom of God. Her mind fixated on her little bubble, she found herself speaking out of turn when silence was the best gift. Feeling no ill will, she badly wanted to open her mind and be of value to others. Wanting to be greedy with her time, she no longer wanted to be closed off.

She was engrossed by him, every behavior and action she took personally. Though she wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready, she would become ready if that meant having him. Her soul wanted to be his friend, his confidant, his pleasure, and his pain. Yet, even simply wanting that was well…self-centered. What if she wasn’t what he needed? What if she’d be a thorn in his side? What if what he needed was the exact opposite of her? What was he going through? What troubled him? Something about loving someone made her feel, ugly. 

Ugly because love shows every flaw, it’s a reflection of the good and bad. Love had shown her that wanting life to be her way is what made life difficult. Love couldn’t be forced; rather it had to be attracted through creating a life that was enjoyed with one’s own company until paths crossed naturally through divine order. Deep down she wanted him to simply be okay, to feel whole and good. She didn’t want her behavior to ruin a friendship that had attached itself to her heart.

Her gentle personality worked overtime to compensate for fragile emotions, forgetting that everyone including him was fragile. Playing the victim would keep her trapped, trapped in the past, trapped in wonderland where every dream came true. Cornered by her mind she was feeling obsessive and needy, finding it hard to keep her mind focused on the task at hand, she was thankful he didn’t know the inner workings of her thoughts. 

However she wasn’t a victim, she wasn’t desperate, she was perhaps a little hurt, maybe even a  little jealous. Human emotion ran rampant in her mind, but she had control over her actions. Her actions screamed selfishly in the present and even more so in the past, but in the future she would redirect them to be compassionate. Not looking for sympathy or love in the wrong hands, but she wanted to share love, to be love, even if that meant letting go a little. 

For letting go often made room for more purposeful joy.