herlucidlife

The little girl inside was rooting for her, she no longer wanted to hate herself instead she wanted to love that little girl because she was hurting and scared and was only acting in ways she thought would take away the hurt. Wanting to be accepted left her feeling ugly on the inside. Always forgiving others, she had no clue how to forgive herself for the way she behaved. 

Looking back she held embarrassment, shame, and regret; she constantly chastised the little girl showing no love or understanding. She would never treat another this way, always supportive of others, she rarely gave that affection to herself. But still she asked herself, “how do I forgive myself ?” Searching her Father, He began showing her the error in her thinking and talking towards herself. 

She began looking at her past through compassion rather than hate. Her Father had shown her the reasoning behind her actions, the intent was heartbreaking. Though her actions were wrong, her soul needed compassion to know that it’s okay to be unwell. Determined to take hold of the power God had given her, she has the authority to change her life, to change how she sees herself, to change her behavior.

Compassion toward herself, ignited a motherly sense of protection over her being. God trusts her with the road ahead, He trusts her with His heart, so she must trust in herself to love her. If God can trust her, then she should be able to trust her too. Breathing life into that little girl, she was steadfast on doing right by her, doing every obedient thing she could to make sure she was taken care of. Sticking close to God was her only refuge. 

She always went off course in the past, assuming she knew what God wanted from her, but instead she did things she knew wouldn’t bring Him glory but to bring herself some kind of twisted satisfaction; leaving her spirit and body thirsty. She thirsted to simply live life right, right next to God. Growing up she always received so much joy from living a life her mother approved of, knowing God approved of it too. She wants a life approved by God, not others. 

Gratitude for her past behaviors has allowed her to view them as stepping stones for her adult self-care. Going beyond, she wants to set boundaries for herself, shedding spiritual weight she was created to imitate Jesus. Her forgiveness is not an event rather it’s a lifestyle, exercising this muscle daily for strength.