herlucidlife

Gathering courage to speak up, her mind was reeling. She was finding it hard to focus on God, her mind was hopelessly love sick. Her heart was mangled, wanting him but wanting herself too. She wasn’t ready and he wasn’t ready but she spoke up anyway, clearing the air made it easier to be authentic. She was in love with him, these emotions stayed with her for five years, they weren’t going away. Holding her emotions, they were heavy, perhaps God would want them. 

She received her answer, first feeling proud and free for speaking up but sooner she felt weird. Not sad because he said, “no, not right now I’m in a bad place;” not feeling at ease because he said, “don’t wait for me.” She felt unwanted and wanted all at the same time, or maybe she was simply delusional. More infatuated, more obsessed, more in love. She was messed up completely, like what was she supposed to do ? She doesn’t understand why these feelings fell in her lap, what was their purpose ? Did they have a purpose ? 

I love you. I’ve loved you through all the girlfriends, through all the bad dates, through all the questions you asked while looking for the perfect girl, through my union. I’ve loved you sincerely, unconditionally without fail. You don’t see me, you don’t seem to be bothered by my love, yet neither does it seem to keep you up at night. My love for you has stolen sleep, dreams, relationships, or perhaps I gave them away for you. 

I love you. You’ll never see how special you are, how priceless your being is, you’ll never quite understand how much my love for you runs, I’d rather have a small piece of you then to never have you at all, literally demoted to friend I’m okay with being in your corner as long as you know someone loves you deeply. 

Love is so hard to find, but yet you look over me searching for something that has been sitting in your face for years. The distance makes it seem impossible and I would be remiss if I didn’t admit that it gives me pause too. But I’d suffer anything for you to be near, to be close, to be welcomed and loved. You have made it into my deepest heart strands, penetrating my prayers. But you don’t tell me how you feel, I’ve guessed and felt your vibe and maybe I’m wrong for simply wanting you to tell me because I couldn’t tell you for so long.

It took me five years to be honest, so I’ll give you all the time you need, even if you never tell me, my love won’t go away. My loving you isn’t based on you loving me back, it’s based on how you’ve made my heart feel over the years and to me that is priceless. You can’t earn this kind of love, rather it’s just given freely. You may never feel the same about me and I’ve accepted that, maybe that makes me pathetic or stupid, I really don’t care. How God has made me feel about you is worth it if at any time in your life you feel down, maybe knowing someone loves you how I do will give you comfort. I love you.