herlucidlife

Woke up feeling weird today, her focus is off. Tired of talking about love, she feels officially her mind has been lost. Trying to take hold of her head, it keeps wandering off into a distant fantasy. Fantasy land ain’t fun because it’s not real. It’s a rude dance with oneself that leaves her feeling drained, unwell, and unsure about her being. Becoming passive aggressive with herself, not taking action kept her bound mentally. Sadly, there was no action to take, so what next ?

Focus on herself ? Eh but that’s no fun, thinking about herself almost felt like settling for the boring ride at the park because she’s not tall enough for anything else. Her point of view was wonky at best, no longer feeling stressed she simply just felt weird. Realizing she’s in a  special place, she’ll never have this version of herself again, she’ll never have these moments again, though feeling offbeat she is marveling at how incredibly open and vulnerable she’s been. Putting herself out there, being direct and open was hard for her but she’s learned something about herself.

She’s tired of being passive and hiding, being direct and honest has been setting her free. Though honest, if done at the wrong time can hurt people terribly. Honesty is a powerful weapon and should be done with love, granted she had lied thinking it was love while really it was selfish. Lying centered around how she was feeling, while honesty centered around revealing the facts that she and others may move accordingly through love. Funny because love seems absent from the chain of events that occurred over the past months, it all feels quite selfishly needy and rude on all sides. 

Perhaps she doesn’t know how to love or even know what love looks like. Either way, she felt quirky, off, unwell, untamed. The energy she possessed felt unsettled, life was in the air. Having let go of her timeline, she was no longer in a rush; she just simply wanted to know where to begin. She was, well, is clueless, completely and utterly clueless, oblivious to the obvious destruction in her life. 

For five years I put you on a pedestal, longing for you, you literally out weighed God in my heart. God’s love literally didn’t feel like enough because I didn’t have you. Oh But God! He showed your true colors, you were distracting me, He revealed you to me so I could refocus, come back down to earth.  My head was in the clouds for all the wrong reasons, perhaps it was lust, perhaps it was your body. The way you made me feel was priceless, but worth more than gold is the lesson I learned when you dropped me. 

Thank God for showing your true colors, they ugly, but so are some of mine. The only difference is that I’m working on my ugly while you spread yours around like it’s dessert. It ain’t sweet.