herlucidlife

You make me giddy when I see your name across my screen, you are the brightest spot in my life, yet you hold the most pain. Loving you from a far is excruciating, at worst numbing. I feel needy for your attention, even if it’s a couple minutes out of the day. Drinking from your well is like sweet nectar, it gives my heart shivers to think that you hold so much weight. I thought feelings and emotions subsided after they were spoken on, while mine simply grew stronger. 

I don’t want to wait for you but it feels like I’m preparing for you. Preparing for someone that will most likely never cross my path in that way. Lusting for someone that will quite frankly overlook me. My sanity is only saved in those few moments when you aren’t on my mind. Thoughts of you wreak havoc like a tsunami, you rush over my brain until it can’t take anymore. I’m quite frankly unwell when you are on my mind. Appearances kept up, doesn’t seem like my presence quakes your world the way yours does mine. 

Yet, somehow that doesn’t stop me from feeling needy. I’ll never tell you how much I want to be with you or how much I want to talk to you because that would be out of line, wouldn’t want to scare you off. I can be heavy. My heart doesn’t want to accept that maybe we aren’t in the cards, that maybe God’s hand is ordering something else, my heart won’t accept it. Excruciatingly needy for just a moment of your time, it feels desperate but I’ll never tell you that. Playing it cool is my only option, maybe that’s stupid but I’ve already laid out my cards you saw me but you blew me off. I just can’t shake you, though it feels like you’ve shaken me. 

Too personal, too deep. I keep it shallow, light and fun, but I want more than that even the jagged edges that cut deep would feel beautiful coming from you. You can’t hurt me more than what’s taken place, encountering you at any moment in time would keep me a float for years at a time. I don’t know why you’re so special to me, I don’t question the origin of my affection because she’s already here fully grown looking for you to be there. But you aren’t there, you  don’t want to be there, so I look pathetic even writing these words but keeping it in will drive me to insanity. 

I gave away my control when I began loving you, I don’t know how to get it back with loving you. I want to hold onto you forever but I don’t know that my body and mind could take the lackadaisical way you move. I can’t read you but you don’t talk, I can’t assume then we’d both look dumb. So I write hoping that maybe this will help take back the control I gave you. Control over my emotions I gave you, control over my happiness I gave you, control over my marriage I gave you. I never realized how much power I was giving away until it was gone. 

I’m weak, God makes me strong with gentle strength. I keep going forward because I know I won’t always be in this place. I can’t always be in this place, I refuse. I won’t be needy, I will have control over myself and my being. Until then I’ll play it cool. One day I will have the strength to walk away from you.