herlucidlife

I want you to the point where not having you feels like suicide. Pieces of me are being left behind and it’s excruciating to think that God is trying to lift your imprint from my heart. You’re tattooed like permanence. I’ll never let you go, even if I never speak to you again. I sit and my heart feels every weight of the minutes when you don’t text me. Text! I’m literally stuck on you from years of texting, your voice, your words like sweet nectar, please if you love me don’t let them dry up. 

I’m begging, yearning for something even just remotely more than what you’ve given. Why won’t you give more ? Don’t you trust me anymore ? Tell me what I did to break your heart. I’ll spend my life trying to put the pieces back together. Excruciating because I know you’d love life next to me, crazy because I don’t know you. I know only what you give out and honestly it ain’t much but I love it more than oxygen. I want every toxic trait, every bad habit, every agony but you don’t trust me. I didn’t even hurt you, but I’m treated like your enemy.

You shut me out, I have no choice but to stand at a closed door but that would give your ego too much boost. I don’t want to be run over, but man your tire marks make life feel sensual. I want to convince you. I want to go through every agonizing toil to convince you you’re loved, at least I’d have you momentarily. But you won’t even give your friend the time of day, but you have time to entertain girls you know won’t have what you’re looking for.

I get it, it’s not about me, it’s’ your injury, it’s the painful pieces of your heart that dropped along the way. You don’t have anything to give but toxic trash, but mm I’ll hold your dirty with tender care because you deserve more than a fraction of that. You may never know how deep you’ve gotten into my heart, I don’t have the heart to keep telling you how much I care. I can’t show you because you won’t give me the opportunity. 

You got me crushed, feeling ugly, feeling unwanted I never thought you’d be the one to make me feel hideous. I want to wait on you. You want me to wait on you or you would’ve never said, “don’t wait on me.” Two weeks and two days but months and even years have passed in my mind. The print you left in my heart is so excruciating that it literally weighs my world down. You play clueless but when I walk out of your life, it hurts to know that you won’t fight for me. 

You’ll let me go because speaking up will be too hard for you, that other girl hurt you good, so good you can’t even love me. Miserable because I don’t want you to love me, more than I just want you to let me love you. I see how you hide from the hurt, fixing your body to cover up the scars that would be so evident if you just said one sentence. I see you like how a helpmate sees her mate, clearly priceless, more than a heavenly body. If you saw yourself the way I see you then maybe there’d be room for you to love me just for a moment. But that’s selfish, I want you healed so I can have you, but maybe I’m here to love you for someone else. 

That’s okay if I can have just a little, a little taste of sweet honey, sufficient until my last breath. But maybe that’ll never happen and I’m wasting my time. Why is it so easy for you to seem ok ? Tell me so I can be the same way, I’d like to walk away with ease too.