herlucidlife

Your love brought something so spiritual that I must say thank you! Thank you for helping me to love myself. I often question why this intense love for you fell in my lap. Often questioning why this love that really couldn’t belong to anyone else but you was sent to me. No one would want hammy down love, but OH THANK GOD! He worked it out!

I needed this love to forget about you, I needed this love to show me that I am deserving of all of my attention. See you were never supposed to receive this affection, you were just simply a catalyst, you helped me intensify a love that wasn’t even meant for you. Though my heart is still getting around to that point, I see so clearly that my love for you is so deep there’s no room to entertain anyone else. There’s no room for anyone but me.  

Finally I can begin the work God has so badly been waiting for. The bliss I receive from my own company lifts my chest so light that your presence can’t even penetrate my aura. I’m loving myself into a healing place that only God can touch me, divinely He is directing my path. See I don’t want you to penetrate my being, I’ve given too much to you already while leaving myself dry. You don’t want me anyway, Imma need you to have some guts my guy because I will be cutting you off. This healing train only has room for those that pour in, not take out. 

The problem is that I cared so much for you that I hurt myself, you taught me what not to do for a man. The damaging part is that you don’t appreciate me which in turn helped me to look down on myself. But nah! I’m straight on that you can exit now. No longer needed honestly, life is more peaceful when you’re not in it. Breath and laughter enter my body because I appreciate everything that I do and am. A mess, I wreak havoc on myself and those around me sometimes, I’ve been too cautious not walking through doors that God opened. 

Even writing these words my heart is agonizing at the thought of never seeing your name on my screen. Because even in love, I genuinely would love to be your friend. Our friendship has meant and does mean so much to me, that quite frankly it will take a long time to fully cut you out. But that doesn’t mean that I have to make myself available to you, I’m figuring out what letting go means for me, to me. 

Even reading this I sound unsure of the relationship we have, the direction it will go, but I walk with patience in knowing that time will reveal all, even the truths that you were too nervous to share. I’m not trusting that you will do anything rather I’m trusting that God will reveal what I need to see and hear.