herlucidlife

Silly how emotions aren’t dealt with in the order they’ve occured but rather processed in a messy untamed effort. So eager to be set free they’re rushing to the exit, suffocating me to be set loose. I feel every emotion welling up inside it’s really too much in a day to handle. I look to God always, He keeps me steady, I’ve learned that He doesn’t give what I can handle, rather He gives what He can handle. I’m not supposed to carry any burdens, He is responsible for all of that. Maybe that’s why my back is breaking. 

I’m holding onto too much, I set down because the tension wells up that it needs a release. Sometimes my mind wanders thinking will it ever be free from thoughts of you, him, me, others before. Can I just simply forget, clean slate? I don’t want to remember the hurt, the pain, not even the good times because they encompass the times when life was sweet but that’s no longer available. Heaviness has always been my friend, she lurks in the dark corners of my mind festering on the old to wreak havoc on the new. 

Eyes low from the workout of my grey matter, she too through. You’re my mind’s favorite topic, never running out of material. In a perverse way, I cherish the taste of my emotional heaviness. Though sour, she is honey dipped in authentic rays of glow. Never thinking I could fall in love with my sweet and sour mindset, she is quite literally my loveliest lover. Always by my side she caresses me tenderly, allowing me to wander when needed, giving me discipline when I’ve gone too far, I love her dearly. She loves you dearly too. 

Once again, you were on my mind when I went to sleep, when I woke up during the night, when I woke up for work. I know some people believe you can control thoughts but man, I express otherwise. Have you ever felt pathetic for feeling ? I literally feel silly, goofy almost for even allowing you to fill my mind so much. I would strangle my mind if that meant not breathing your name into my soul. 

Irrational, I love when my mood festers on your essence. Vacation breeze you’re light yet heavy. Child I got too much mingling to be held up on you. But here I am looking like boo boo the fool checking for something that’s not checking for me, my God please release me! I know Satan is using who I want to keep my mind occupied because there’s doors God has opened. Satan can’t close them but he can make sure I take my time going through, if at all. He’s using you as a deflect, sad I like being distracted by you, but mm it’s not healthy. 

People say, focus on yourself, focus on your happiness, but they never say that the whole time your focus is never really fully on yourself. They never say that lifting someone from your cerebrum is like ripping out your own teeth. They never say that life may feel useless without them by your side. They never say that God may feel less important, the idol is too high. They never say that life might feel empty for a long while before feeling whole. They never say that focusing on yourself can feel lonely, ugly, worthless at times. But hey! Who cares right, I’m focusing on myself while still drowning for your attention. 

Again, my mind has circled around to you, just don’t ever say I never cared because clearly I’m on the ground drooling in affection.