herlucidlife

This is becoming to be too much. God sent me a word today and it got me thinking about how I’ve elevated you in my life. My eyes were always set on you allowing my heart to do everything possible to somehow keep your attention. Your eyes were never fixed on me. Even now you think you can come to me speaking on anything, I love it even when it hurts. 

I literally do not want to hear about the girls that message you on hinge, but hell that’s my fault for settling for so little. Even the friendship is pathetic because I’ve let you hold my heart straps. I’m just riding, too bad you ran over my heart a trillion times without even stopping to say “I’m sorry.” You act so clueless I’m not even sure you know you’ve done something to hurt me. We’re the same in that we want what we want regardless of anyone else’s emotions, egotistical. 

But hey! That’s my fault for not speaking up for the spiritual needs that cloud my mind. I can’t expect you to care more than you’ve shown because you can’t, you told me so. God’s been telling me to cut you off, He’s spoken it, whispered it, shown it in instagram videos, even memes have dropped this tea. So why am I still here ? 

Do these years of friendship really mean that much that I would lay down my sanity for you ? That I would lay down my Father for you ? That I would ignore my obedience for you ? My actions say yes, but my spirit is screaming do not let this man take you down and make you look down on something so precious God sent His son for. 

You will never value me the way I need and until I value myself that highly I will permit you to walk over me. Oblivious, you can’t be this blinded but I’m beginning to see thoroughly what you mean to me, more than marriage. Meaning I need to say goodbye. I have a hard time accepting when things have run their course, I hold on longer than needed. 

Tragic, I tend to hold onto the wrong things, the wrong people. I say “I’m okay being friends,” when really I want more than that, even in friendship I want more from you, so either I stay and bleed, or leave and heal. Laughable, I was never ready for this goodbye, never thought I would need to say goodbye. There’s some people you want in your life for a lifetime and they prove it so, while others you simply have to wish they can weather the storms of a lifetime but they may not make it. 

Unconnected, unleashed, unhinged, I can’t hold onto you without sinking. You don’t pick me up until I hear from you, even then it’s barely a lift past shallow water just to sink quickly back down. You literally make my head and heart twinge with soreness. The pressure builds up in the back of my eyes radiating to my temple, my heart vanishes feeling so low it brings sorrow. 

I need to say goodbye, even in this weakened state I will muster the strength to let you go, you don’t hold on tightly anyway. You make it easy, while I make it hard on myself. Mm, seems I’m my own prisoner while you’ve walked off and left the gate open. I got the hint, I’ll leave now.