herlucidlife

The past few weekends have been a roller coaster of emotions, deep nose diving to the ground she needed a revival. Minutes, hours, days felt unbearable without hearing from you, I’ve never had you, I sound delusional.  That didn’t stop the weekends from feeling longer than a thousand lifespans. Taking a green hiatus she floated lighter than before, melodies dreamt up by folks with angelic hearts filled her ears. Occasionally feeling the tug of her emotions she continued to inhale the haze of forgotten trouble. 

Too bad not so forgotten because they lived in her just laying dormant, their presence was still felt. Felt in the conversations, felt in the people she came in contact with, felt in the way her heart was beginning to change. Leafy herbs didn’t take away the pain rather it changed her heart towards it. Feeling cold, cut off, emotions are beginning to shift, downward.  

I go from loving you, to hating you all in one day. You do absolutely nothing but yet I’m mangled. I’ve cut you off mentally no longer being super chummy, no longer saying “you can vent if you need to,” because you won’t. I don’t know why, I literally tell you the deepest in my heart but hey, guess I lost the trust. My heart has turned a little cold towards you, my perspective has shifted. No longer feeling like I’m waiting idle, rather these emotions are birthing material only love could bring. You’re literally helping me move forward, purging you out of my system. 

Can’t seem to cover you up, I’ve used friends, myself, my goals, my Father, nothing seems to blot you out. Can I just have you already so I can regurgitate and move on ? I’m so sick of jotting you down I literally sit at the screen like why ? I have nothing else to tell about how I feel about you yet, you’ve stolen my mind in the middle of the night, I wasn’t looking off guard. The mind and soul are accurately ill at the thought of you. 

Second nature you run through the frames of my mind like you’ve lived here for centuries. You know exactly how to enter my mind, rather I know how to allow you entrance. Weird how I say “you,” when “you” haven’t done anything. You don’t make demands, you don’t say much, you don’t require anything, but how do I give you so much power ? Like who hijacked my mind ? More so who’d I let walk off with it ?

I’m so confused, my head is spinning, woozy from all the emotions that just won’t take a seat. Like sit down, over there in the corner of my mind and wilt into nothing, PLEASE! Communicating with you is like having my wound opened up and letting you see me bleed out. Conversing with you is like sweet death, a knife covered in honey cutting a little deeper. Mingling with you makes me think, “will my readers get tired of hearing about you?” Talking with you causes me to jott you down in every form on my soul, on my screen, on my mind, on my heart. 

Speaking with you turns me cold while wanting to keep my heart warm for you. Tangled in my own web, you never strung me up. But I can’t help but think that maybe you hold some responsibility, you didn’t have to be so you. You didn’t have to be how you are because maybe if you were different I wouldn’t be so committed to one day having you enough to never have you again.