herlucidlife

But one day I’ll move on, I’ll untangle myself and just maybe you won’t be so important. So demented, you say you don’t want me, yet you want to spend the weekend amongst the trees with me, I don’t get you. You don’t get me either, funny you do have me though but not the version I want you to see. Feeling wanted like sweets while feeling like trash on the road, but even sweet trash holds a purpose, someone will dig through it finding gold. 

You lean in even though you don’t want me. You cut so deep it feels upstanding. I hope you never read these words because they might bruise. Loving you makes me giggle, I’m laughing in pain, I love it, being taught a new skill called endurance. I won’t break, rather I’m feeling glowed in rays of golden. Refinement, though God allowed Satan to place the thorn, it’s still working in His Goodness. Thank you for being obedient to your role. 

An epiphany maybe, a light bulb moment ? No it’ll fade in due time, just in time for me to slide into bed with you on my mind again, in the morning, and thereafter. But I praise God in knowing that I’m being taught to go through instead of around. This time is manufacturing patience, something I don’t like to use. I rush full speed ahead pretending life is cool when really I’m drowning. 

Walking through quicksand is the understatement of the century, cemented to the ground but still growing like a virtue, I won’t be cut down until the Master prunes me properly. That’s settling to say, to breathe life too. I’ve always walked around scared to leave this place but maybe I’ll see her there, him there, my others there. Wouldn’t that be worth it ? Seeing Jesus, God ? See how I mentioned Him last, I have some growing to do, cleaning up my chest of idols like trophies, they stacked too steep. 

This guy, my parents, my grief, though hard emotions run deep growing out roses. They have become idols in my life that rule over me. I hold them so close everyday I can barely feel Your presence but I say You’re there anyway because I have nothing else to believe in without You. You hold so much importance, my life time and light years after would be made to create the list needed to praise Your goodness. But I don’t treat You the way You deserve, I walk over You how I let this guy walk over me. If You love me even just a second more than I truly understand how You care for me and then more and more and more…Even then just to compare Your goodness is disrespectful because it could never be duplicated. 

But one day, so, so soon, piece by piece the burdens I hold onto so tightly, that I care for with tenderness and affection so deep I’ve drowned a thousand times over, I’ll give them over. Feeling light just scribbling that down, I know You’re working, and I pray You give me the strength to work and protect the tasks You’ve given me to do. Being a  good steward in obedience, You work because You love me, I work because I need to say I love you.