herlucidlife

Delusional, the best word to describe how I’ve been processing. I literally look at myself and say, “wow I’m really insane, perhaps the most disturbed person I know.” To leave a homestead that shared love and happiness, or something remotely resembling that, to have nothing. I left constant to have difficult, I left wanting to have lukewarm. 

I was driving and a thought crossed my mind, maybe I’m the embarrassment of life; the one I love is laughing, the one I left is laughing, the spectators are laughing, and honestly I’m laughing with them because it’s so idiodic it cringes. Then I think, “well I don’t care what others think,” but I do care. I care about what you’ve said about me behind closed doors, I care about who you told about me, if anyone at all, I care about what you think of me even though I shouldn’t. 

My gosh, memories are wreaking havoc, overthinking my mind is glued to stories because in reality, there’s absolutely nothing to hold onto. You played me, feeding me just enough to keep me around. I’m starving, you hold all the food while giving me just a crumb. Staying in hopes of receiving bread, I need to leave because you want me to starve for your attention, it makes you feel good. You don’t care about me and I see it so clearly now.

Sometimes it’s tough realizing that nothing in this world really matters, my love for you really doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t give God glory. On leveled playing field, somehow I lifted you up to God status but He’s helping me bring you back down to the right level, human. You’re human, merely skin and bones with a spirit so bright it could kill darkness for days. But still, you’re no different than me. 

You sink when pessimistic, you overthink when life says to act and speak, you carry baggage just as heavy as mine. But yet, I’ve created you into this being that is so untouchable that I’m literally nervous of your aura. You possess nothing for me to be timid about, nor do I possess anything for you to be cautious over, because we’re human with scraps and bruises. Delusional because I left a flaw for another flaw across the globe. Or maybe I left because even with you being gone, something, anything felt off. 

I recognize that I allowed you to hold power in my life, I recognize that consequences led to my demise, I recognize that even in my deluded state I’m exactly where I need to be, healing the sores that need healing. Finally, I can be free to share and show my love that it may grow into something beautiful. Free to roam my emotions, not having to feel obligated to accept someone else’s. Running on empty, I could never get to full, maybe that’s a sign of living unhappily.

Mm or maybe I’m sipping from the wrong well leaving me thirsty, God’s water never leaves parchment. Your well is empty like mine, both dehydrated from this world, from ourselves but selfishly I still want a drink even a little of what’s left would let me know there’s some care there. Evidence has shown that my hurt moved in ways that created more hurt. I am hurt, we’re all hurt, so there’s really no excuse. God is the answer to that hurt and to overlook the answer is to choose to want to be hurt. I’d like to choose Jesus, and perhaps I’ll move further down the spectrum from delusional, to hopelessly faithful to Him.