herlucidlife

Pangs shoot through the inner walls of my chest when I think of the callous, nonchalant way I talk about this guy, seems as though I have no remorse for how I did you. I try to overlook it but this wall is too high to ignore. Nothing you need to worry about as I backed myself into this corner. Is deserving to drown too crippling to say ? Drowning in my own self-pity, drowning in my own bed of lies. You know people say, “don’t be so hard on yourself,” but what if that’s a survival tactic. 

How do you know when you’ve been too easy to the point where you’re a danger to others ? I’m sure more lows are coming but lets focus on this one because she’s pretty low. The times I snuck, the times I lied by omission, the time where I ignored the elephant in the room until you brought it to light. Man! A coward dressed as courage, I was nothing more than a scared girl playing woman. Hypocrite!  

I’ve allowed myself to get away with too much, and honestly I’ve learned people don’t hold accountable hard enough. Not everything is okay, not everything needs support, or does it ? I don’t warrant compassion, or maybe that’s too hard on myself, even saying that hurt. Even God loves the sinner, so who am I to look that far down. But faithfully, God will let me hold some of His grace, that possession left me a longtime ago. Bewildering how I have enough for everyone else except for myself. 

There’s something warming about looking down on myself, too raw to say but I like punching myself. I’ve always had the strongest legs to kick myself when I’m down. It doesn’t help but it gives my mind that much needed boost of remorse when my heart feels cold. A cold heart because the sheer thought of allowing it to warm up means I have to come face to face with my evil. She’s treacherous, I don’t like it but she seems to love digging that blade into my side. 

I’ve repented a thousand times over yet the anguish in my heart is so full of life it could breath a book of “Im Sorries” for your lifetime, just to make sure you receive every single one. Treated with such grace, you treated me with elegance. But you don’t need my apologies or my condolences on your feelings, the apologies are so I can look at myself in the spirit and think, “mm she might be okay.” I can’t heal the injury, yet maybe you feel an amends of the psyche in our midst. 

My apologies can’t take away the actions, they can’t make you feel better, all they can do is let you know that maybe at times I feel sorry but only my actions will be the true test of remorse. My actions weren’t correct then, they’ve been and are indulgent, ravenous for another breed, mm I’m not well. 

But we knew that already. You were unwell too, knowing your history I could have treated you better. I don’t regret knowing you, rather I regret never speaking up then allowing your heart to be played with when I knew the truth. To turn away, to never commit this act again, you’ve taught what it means to be selfless with my being, with my time, with my material wealth. 

Thank you dear soul, we will always be attached, not demoted to friend but you are my soul’s soul.