herlucidlife

I’m taking a step back, I no longer want to be available to you. I overthink, I take things so seriously when really you don’t have the time to ever consider me. So why even in my deepest daydreams do I make myself so important ? No, that’s not right, that’s arrogant, that’s a friend wanting to be an enemy. 

Funny how even with everything that I’m juggling mentally I still find time to obsess, thankfully my actions don’t show the fixation, just my words on a screen that you seem to never read. I’ve stepped back, jumped back, reevaluating the role I want to play in the mending or ending of a link. 

Haunted by your presence it seemed as platforms had to be shifted to hide the sore in my life. See it’s not even about you wanting to be friends with me, more so it’s can my mental health take the heaviness of the connection being felt ? Momentarily, my retinas can’t even graze across your form name on my screen without anxiety. 

There’s beauty in whatever is occurring but I’m so focused on “the used to be” that I can’t even appreciate the distance, the mental clarity, the peace of mind felt when your presence is lifted from my way. Confidently cocky because I’d like to think that I never hurt you when really, the day you never heard from me again, without explanation, or all the times you were cut off after that ? Damage has been done to your being even those unseen things that hold much more weight. 

Perhaps my stepping back is childish, I can’t help but think that maybe it’s the most compassionate action to cease the mental load being carried. Mentally exhausted, honestly I need a break from everything; from me, from him, from you, from the way I carry my life. I want to come back reformed from my old ways, wanting to speak up. I’m not sure I have the strength to start another conversation that I can’t even convince myself of the importance. 

Why is it so important for me to talk to you ? Why is it so important that you confide in me ? Maybe because that’s all there ever was, though maybe just words they held the strings of our connection. But the strings are strained now and mental willpower isn’t going to fix it. Keeping thoughts to myself feels safest and you behave like you feel the same way. 

This mind runner is taking a hiatus, because I care you may hear from me soon, because I’m tired I can’t say when. Please get some mental rest, we both need it.