herlucidlife

I’m supposed to be unplugging from life, no communication, no thoughts about this person, that person, the third person. But it seems I can’t keep to my own rules which is probably why boundaries always get crossed. But yea…The opposite of my being from long years down the road belonging to a campus deep in my heart, you appeared. 

Coming to me like a friend that had never lost time, it shocked me. A multitude of days has passed by, yet you hold weight I still can’t forget. Fragile, shaky, the emotional capacity that came built in left a long time ago, my mind is sprinting. Fortunately, my behavior doesn’t quite show the way my mind has melted into time. Trying to make form out of the goo, I keep thinking, “he’s unionized.” So that makes these emotions, thoughts…black-hearted ? 

The experiences I’ve had in this one body are extraordinary, she keeps appalling me with the roads we travel together, we’re now at the road where we come face-to-face with, that one. That person that stole my heart, that person I allowed to have too much, that person that, well, I believed could be divinely mine. Processing doesn’t mean the progression isn’t there, rather my progression took a little longer, I was distracted. 

So I welcome your invitation to break bread, talk about future times that hold significance, talk about present times that keep us grounded, and talk about past times that make us feel light. The course I’m on in life has been very mental, conquering the mental is to conquer the body. Scared of these thoughts against you, rather they don’t show unlove but warmth undying.

I wanted to lose control with you, you were always the sole of my being. Supposing that it was supposed to be me, it’s not…it’s her, committedly. I had to see you to realize that all the others had been fillers, rebounders for the one that really left me cold. I told you to go, but I didn’t want you to go. You took pieces of me when you left, I thought they had all been recovered but when my eyes gazed across your caramel skin every chunk of my soul fell to the dirt. 

I wanted you, it had always been you, never letting you go I let others enjoy the warmth of the love I had for you. I wanted your attention but you were gone, so I got it from a friend. I wanted to be over you, so I wed.  Nothing can take away how I feel except for you. But don’t trust my love, she is fickle, she wants nothing but everything all at once. My love is shallow at best, she wants to be held but only by you. 

Seems like I don’t know what or who I want; or just maybe I always knew who I wanted yet pain allowed my heart to dance rather than sit still in the hurt and grow deeper in self. I don’t trust myself when I  say, “I love you.”  My love is so trash the city sewage wouldn’t want to swim. Mmm I don’t want to swim.