herlucidlife

Never thought I’d see you again, never thought I’d get lost in eyes so rich they’d steal my soul every time. Never thought I’d be wrapped in affection so tight that it’d strangle the life out of any connection after us, that it’d eat off my carcassed heart poisoning my mind. That it would lead me down paths so incorrect they feel flawless committed for you. 

I hope you’re suffering over the thought of lying to your bride, because I am. I hope you’re aching knowing you can stomp her heart out at any moment, because I am. I hope you feel coasey in that house of hatred you’re building for her, because I am. I have no place in your life, in your home, in your union yet somehow you found room and I agreed that the back corner was the best spot. Unseen, but always felt like a keenness in the heart. 

Way past ugly the behavior is hideous, demonic in stealth I’d never blame all the action on you, I shouldn’t have agreed. Devil’s advocate tugged at my heart strings, thinking “this could be the only time,” knowing I wouldn’t pardon myself for letting the invite slip. Uncaring, it was done for us. Nothing on the Lord’s plate I picked this order, payment in the result. Contrite, but not enough to withhold, greedy I am. 

This is so not cool! Disrespect to the sacred union that the Bible looks upon with holiness. Nothing was held high that day, despondent towards self isn’t even worth the energy because I know I was wrong. It’s almost rude to the offended party to even be remorseful after the action, like you didn’t know you were hurting them. The remorse is for myself, to console that selfish little shrew inside. Shouldn’t remorse be preventive, meaning an emotion that deflects malignant moves. 

No contrition for me, I’m not the nicest person coming off as super sweet, often I’m worried. Can’t even the sweetest people be the most deceptive ? This isn’t just “love” but it’s someone’s livelihood, her world, the health of her emotional universe is at stake, or maybe it was spent when you touched my hand softly in the car. 

I should take the gratitude out of my voice when talking about my action of how I cut you off, blocking you. It’s funny I unblocked you thinking you wouldn’t text because clearly you’re married and I never had your number saved. You set everything into motion but I sure enough agreed and went along like a dummy into the fire. Burning my soul for a little piece of sweet momentary pleasure, feeding nothing but lust and affection. I blame me, I blame you. 

Like a crazed teenager in heat, each drop of your attention was lapped up like a dog. Even if you are playing, you can’t play someone that enjoyed being at the side of your pile for an evening.