herlucidlife

Nothing sisterly lives here, womanhood is not being shared amongst this situation. Too much livestock available, it didn’t have to be this one. Can’t even apologize because I wanted to do it, yet something greater than remorse has hatched in my soul. Pity is hard to have when it’s stolen by feelings of undeserving. 

I was so stupid willing to do anything to see you for some kind of closeness, most definitely your attention. Added stains to my spirit, I pray  Jesus died for this one too. Eyes not in the socket, my arteries constricted you were the only aim. Foolish, no excuses, no reasons why I couldn’t deny his offer. Breaking sin boundaries just to see if it would really be as sweet as I thought,  honey laced with venom, double edge. It was ripe and on time.

Jumping back, barricading the passages, you are not allowed entrance. She deserves a loyal husband, she deserves to have a marriage free of predators. These sentiments aren’t noble; the battering has occured, one is enough, really it’s too much. I need another word for heart because there isn’t one left in my body. 

Right before my birthday you came to see if my heart was still waiting behind the door, we always talked about finding each other that fateful day when the stars aligned. You opened the door and my heart is still there, unfortunately the stars haven’t aligned and all that was allowed was indulgence. Perhaps something in you became uneasy, looking behind the door was risky, you could’ve lost it all or, were you willing to take that chance because her choosing to leave would be easier than you choosing to leave because your heart isn’t in it. 

Special places are created for those that love another woman’s husband. I don’t know how to cut off this love without your help, the love doesn’t leave after you vacate the premises. My emotions grew deeper, your words and actions said yours grew too. I want to tell you to kick rocks, to screw yourself and to never contact me again but honestly, the day you decide to never speak to me will be the day my heart forever turns cold. 

I’m not supposed to say these words, I’m not supposed to feel these deep emotions, I’m not supposed to care about you. She doesn’t know it but she’s sharing her husband’s being, she has the body and fifteen percent heart, while I hold the other eighty-five percent. Trying to give my eighty-five percent back I don’t want a passion that hurts like this, shouldn’t be so painful. Is love really this messy or is it just the man-made version ?

If you cared you would’ve stayed gone, if you cared you would’ve stayed close not too far behind. Can’t hate you for moving when I told you too, really I shouldn’t want you and neither should she, sneak and geek too much for the naked eye. But untamed and wild you’ll never fully be kept until released.