herlucidlife

Sometimes I scribble at the off chance that maybe you read my words, that maybe they’ll change something in your spirit. Sometimes I doodle so my being won’t sink to the bottom crashing for inner peace. You don’t own me but I’m yours. You didn’t purchase me at a high cost yet I sit at your feet looking for anything greater than deliverance. Yes, I hope you read these words till they twist your trajectory in my direction. 

But most times, I hope you read these words and feel the same hand that yanked out my vessels, yanking yours out too. I can’t have you but I’d at least like to be in illness since we’re kindred spirits connected from years of life. Man-made love has burrowed its way into my world, godly love is hard to come by. 

Godly love doesn’t desire man-made fabrications, silly of me to want a man to do everything to possess me when I won’t do everything in my power to possess God. The authentic beings can tell I’m bluffing, tainted by myself agape doesn’t live here. Not even loyal to you, I gave away more than my share just to get over you, in front of you but still nothing. My lack of love is beginning to bleed over into my thoughts of love, thinking if most of us are chasing someone that is unobtainable then will we ever be caught by the person that is trying to catch us ? 

Never really one for games it seems I’ve been holding cards this entire time. An honorary card holder maybe I played to keep my heart from ever being fully yours. My heart has always belonged to me but even when I had you, seems like that wasn’t good enough. There’s nothing better waiting behind the corner, really there’s nothing back there but regret for missing out on the one that could’ve been had. 

I own my part, trash! There’s no getting over this rather it’s necessary that I get through this self-inflicted valley. Ailing is what your wife would be if she found out. I’m done punching her but you have a couple more in your arsenal, don’t tell her though, right ? Mm, just like I thought two cowards in a pod. We’re at the part of the game where honesty can now damage homes, it was simple before you made it more than what it needed to be. No one was checking for you, I knew it was trouble when you circled around me, perhaps I was flattered because I care for you.  

You had stopped being a factor, I was enjoying that. It was too easy to slide back into your energy, no longer an item. Starting at square five I am rebuilding the stones needed to keep you out for good. I didn’t have to be hurt, could’ve protected myself, said NO. I wanted you to pierce my core, accepting entrance into my life you walked with me for a short time. Permission was granted, knowing the price I swallowed the charges. 

Brim to brim, sip from sip, unburdening ourselves, realizing that everyone has been punctured in this bound. Thinking it’s best to let it go.