herlucidlife

Do you think you’re somehow going to live happily ever after ? That you can somehow take someone that’s not yours then look up to the sky and say, “Thank You Jesus?”  Sowing turmoil reaps turmoil, on a spiritual rampage she’s acting carelessly with rebellion. For some reason destroying her marriage, took the holy covenant off it’s pedestal, knocked down two notches. Though not right, I’m behaving as if my respect for marriage has left. 

Has divorce made me jaded to the importance of marriage ? Or is it just this guy that seems to have me enthralled ? Either way! A mockery has been made of vows, the spirit is becoming nervous knowing it’s gone too far. Literal stupidity has fallen into my lap and I’m not talking about the emotions but rather the actions birthed out of those emotions. A different causeway was available. There’s always a way out but knowingly walking into wrath to have a temporary occasion on an eternal dime. Laughable.

No redo, do over, go back, or fuss overs, just an explanation on judgement day that will not suit the Lord’s status, I know, I’ve read. Not proud, it’s really too late for penitence, it’s been done, then dug into. I’ll keep the self pity to myself, is it the grief that has me acting like a two year old child throwing a tantrum?  I want to take it back. I’d like to not go further but it seems I did that too. My piece being shared that’s all I needed, thank you! 

I’d like to hold forgiveness towards myself one day meaning at all cost you can’t be here, ever. I don’t want to be responsible for another union ending, you forgetting me says that her love is bigger than me. I need that. To behave this way for you is unhealthy, meaning I must leave you alone indefinitely, which of course makes sense, you are hooked. 

I turned into someone I never wanted to be for an us that just wanted to be. I have no control here, no place here, I don’t want to be here anyway, I’m excited for the new gravel ahead. I need The Higher Being for these tasks, fearful I alienated Him, I know He said He wouldn’t leave but the demons in my head keep shouting so I’ve been staying back. So panicky, I feel unworthy of faith’s grasp, but the road ahead says it’s necessary for travel. I’m always at this point, it’s the same cycle, different sin. 

Purposely messing up, to purposely look towards God to fix it like that’s how this dance goes because it’s not and I know it. Irrational to call myself a child of God but something in me says, “don’t be so hard, yes it’s very bad, He can still use you though He wants to.” Not wanting to believe that small voice in my head, I keep moving in the direction He told me to anyhow, maybe that’s a miracle, saving ? 

Folks out there, out here, maybe have an issue with the sins I chose and that chose me, I apologize but I can’t worry about that. I care deeply, so much that it stops me mid wind. No longer wanting to dwell, it’s time to move through. Maybe one day my actions won’t be so laughable in the face of God.