herlucidlife

There’s peace in looking at my own lane. Everyone’s lane is moving at different paces and when I began looking over at yours, I got scared. Agitated because I can’t control your lane, I really wanted to, I wanted to have enough power in your life to do that but I don’t and I shouldn’t. Thankfully, I have a lot of my own to eat, to digest. Mentally hassled, progressing to twenty-eight two days in. I’m feeling the weight of what I really want to gain. 

You crossed my mind a lot less today. It was really nice. Unfortunately, he crossed my mind a little more. I’m not sure why, though I feel something more than friendship there. Honestly I believe I jumped the gun when I said I was, “in love with you.” It doesn’t make sense for me to love you like that, I’m not sure if it’s the time frame, but in a day’s time I’m feeling almost barren of you all. 

Former love. Wedded ex beau. Friendly tease. A burnt bridge. A forever fire. An ebbing connection. You left me questioning my morals, values, and truly how I see myself as a person. I don’t know the lifespan of these relationships but you’ve all been true friends because you made me better. It sounds clichè yet you sharpened my iron more than I could have without you. Whether you were the brunt of my overthinking, the pin cushion to my knife your heart, the fondness my depths will always have my ribcage. We all move differently from having encountered the other, some heavy it can be graceful.

I don’t know how to put in words that I’m moving from you quicker than thought of. It’s nostalgic to be in a similar space almost six years later. Feels different like a tornado picked the house up and placed it upside down. The darkest years of my life encompass some of the most cherished moments. I knew five years would hold a breakthrough to the emotional wall I’ve been hiding behind. Her death is more real than a ghost walking fifth avenue. Marriage and divorce emotional encouragement needed for the next phase of lamenting. 

Pieces and chunks of time are beginning to fade away. Life seems like home until it stops, until the person who made it feel like resident leaves. Took me five years to learn coping that could be healthy, coping that could make your leaving feel celebrated. Feeling in vain, your life was wasted pouring into me because I’m not spilling anything out. I don’t identify with the girl that looked down on you on your deathbed. 

The girl you called your, “trustworthy buddy,” I don’t know her anymore, she slipped off on the day you drew your last breath. No, this lady before you is someone different, she looks at life with a little hurt. No longer a girl I’ve experienced too much, not yet a woman because I don’t know what she looks like, barely a lady because she only needs the best parts of herself she’s learning how to integrate the ugly.