herlucidlife

I really like you. But that’s all I’ve ever felt for you though I can see something more, contradictory I have no clue. Only up for something light hearted I can’t hold anymore weight. Emotionally depleted, nothing else can come in, only may feelings leave, being released. I clocked your timing knowing you’d appear just when I was vulnerable. Sniffing around you could smell the neediness.  

Nothing prepared me for the times when I would take for granted how you loved me. I took for granted the warmth you brought into my life because you didn’t look like the person I wanted it from. You were good to me but that wasn’t enough to not feel trapped. You loved me the best you knew how while holding pain I created in your heart, you pushed through. Simply put, you were supposed to love me enough to get me through the hardest part of my grief. 

I needed you in the form of a husband, in the form of a genuine person, purer at heart than I . You gave what you thought I needed but I couldn’t give you what you needed so we sank. Morphing into beings that took count, that replied with pettiness, we slumped into a rut that neither was willing to turn around because neither felt loved enough to truly give it their all. I miss you sometimes for simply being good to me. Yet, even your goodness could not quiet the demons from shouting at you in my head. 

I feel your spirit floating through the house, I wait for you to say my name. You reminded me of the moral compass I used to possess, you brought so much of her into my life I couldn’t take it. She used to judge me too, keeping me in line. I would never act a certain way if she were here, I never acted a certain way when you were near but you’re not and it seems my compass has fallen again. I miss you but more so I miss being with the person that makes my heart drop. Never really dropping, my heart tripped a little when together, it made me shiver with cold to know that my love for you had a cap, and I’d reached the limit. 

I miss you. I saw you today, you asked me, “do I miss us ? how we used to be ? or do I miss you for the moment ?” Bullet through the soul, you got me thinking and then I slithered. Saying I missed you for both I really don’t, I missed you for the moment, lying isn’t a good look. My affection is fickle, she’s found a new infatuation but she’s going to integrate this one into her new form of coping. I think I sound moronic, I’m already entertaining the old cycle but then I think maybe you just weren’t the right one and it hurts to think I hold regret yet revelation. 

This new distraction won’t do anything but make me uncomfortable yet homely. Disrespectful how deep it could get while nuzzling up to touches of loving words. Nothing but notice, vulnerably needy no one is the apple of my eye just the tenderness clouding my judgement.