herlucidlife

Life is pulling me out of the slum, I want to come out but I kind of like it here so I keep marinating in the blow of procrastination. Snail walking in the right direction like a retriever any distraction can have my attention. Little hard to let go of than others, snuck up on me in the spring night, coolness of May. Light in aroma, always luminescence, swaying me over the years you seemed to arrive at the right time. 

A gray presence, lifted into the roof of the car unknowingly you began taking me into mindsets that made happiness indulgent. Small blue flurry in the midst of darkness, talking for hours getting lost in the time, the loveliest harmonies drifted my brood far away, I must take this sojourn again. I have an unhealthy connection with the level at which my body inhales the leaves that brings so much mental darkness it relaxes the inner heart beat to sleep. 

Mm, I have a hard time pruning this tree, though I know it’s not my job. I don’t hold the scissors but I won’t sit still long enough for God to cut. I’m not sure if it’s really that bad or if I just make this pickle bigger than what it needs to be ? Movement shows that perhaps I have a slight issue with control of consumption. Time frames have wrapped around many times over years have passed, things have happened yet you’ve stayed, an elixir some would call it. I’d call it something more potent than people like to lead on. Maybe it’s me and I lack self-control. I’ll own that my boundaries are so wide two texas’ could fit in, with space…I’m working on that. 

Toting some of the best laughs, heart quenching soft thoughts, water to the eyes, I could’ve done more. Our favorite activity it was closer than physical touches. Racing into the depths of our monetary value to land little scoops of tinted goodness. Mental vacations taken everyday, my body has begun to follow suit. I was spiraling out of control. I felt lost but somehow I was able to play it off. I needed something, I don’t know what, I need something now. I’m too tired to go ahead but I’m too tired to stay still. 

My escape partner and I floated for years together in our little hazed coupe. Keeping me so much company. Giving help when needed, doing when not asked, my hazy buddy you kept me comforted. Now I do this activity alone, it feels like a habit rather than us hanging out getting to know each other. Sorriness has settled in, nervous to go without my haze. I can’t go back. I make myself go back to things I know are bad because I think maybe time has changed it. I think maybe I’m stronger than I was back then. When really I’ve allowed myself to be controlled by this thing, handcuffed I have the keys but won’t read the manual. 

To come home after work and smoke is like taking my bra, makeup, and wig off all at the same time. More than habitual it’s comforting slightly. I remember the items when I’ve smoked, how I felt and I begin to miss those mental homes. More than a substance it’s a vibe that’s created a world escaped too. But you suck up time like a vacuum on crack…well I allow you too, because once started the stop is agonized. But I’m strong, I know where to go for help, who to talk to for guidance.

I’ve chosen the difficult road and she’s always chosen me, but I’m hoping we can break up.