herlucidlife

I didn’t know what to write about because I didn’t think people would want to hear about the boy that swirls my mind. Now I know I shouldn’t be doing this and I’m really not doing anything when you think about it because we don’t even talk that much but it’s enough to have me a little swirly. I really don’t want anything at all from this person so I’ve kept it in, like I should learn from my first mistake right? 

Immature. An unwed lover from the past, see I don’t like new people they’ve been off putting for me. I’d rather have a familiar soul that’s grown with time, because they’re hoping I have too. I’ll hurt you and I don’t want to do that, and I’ll lie through my teeth hoping I don’t but I might. Once again, I’m overthinking things I can’t control. I need only worry about my reaction to what is occurring and continue to work on what I’ve got. 

What I’ve got is a new business that is disturbing me in good and bad ways, no orders have even been placed yet. I feel behind I need to move faster, people are waiting or maybe that’s me waiting for myself to be a genius at this, I’m not. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m too emotional for this new beginning I’m venturing on. 

I really wanted to talk to you today but I didn’t know if that would be too much. Not feeling particularly close to any foe, she’s finding time to be and feel…single. I’ve been alone since I left work Friday afternoon, the weekends can get quiet. Time spent alone, I reach out to no one, no one reaches out to me often a weird phase to be in. I miss those that call me friend and family yet I hide my sentiments like showing my love will offend those receiving. 

I’m not good at loving shamelessly, perception is everything to me but I’m hurting myself by not opening fully. No one is harmed by me living my life in the shadows, just me. Feeling isolated I don’t like it but childish thinking has set in so I don’t reach out like a sane adult. Spending all morning in bed I copped out of  assisting others, needing weekends for resting, they’re for the days when I had no choice but to get up. 

No this jargon isn’t eloquent but life is simply chaotic in her hushed tones. Even when peaceful she finds ways to keep things interesting. Never taking a day for granted I’m praying my actions can follow the words.