herlucidlife

I still haven’t repented for what I did. Really nothing to wait for because He already knows what I’ve done rather the confession is for me but I’m not going to preach like I have the place.  Haven’t been reading my Bible. Shame has me hiding, Jesus specializes in the sick and I’m one of them…always knowing yet living will often confirm just in case memory has slipped. Looking over my Bible like that water stain on the coffee table. Knowing I need to read it I can visualize the movement, I crack it open, the specific room I’ll be sitting in.

A visual doesn’t bring my fingers closer to the pages. Being used as a holder for my laptop browsers that make eyes go wide are viewed over and more than my dearest. I stopped making excuses a long time ago, only having reasons we don’t need to hear ‘em… they tired anyway. Something about life, I never knew when I changed but one day I looked up and I had. I don’t know maybe it was tucked in between the grief and low self-esteem.

I’m babysitting the last two paper rollies, savoring just the sight of their tiny beings, I never fully want to say goodbye. I think what’s the harm in continuing, just have control. Almost four years have taught me that self control is non-existent with some things. Moderation isn’t an option for me and I’m okay with several days of my life being uncomfortable for the longer comfort for the future. This monkey never fully leaves my back, we’re chained together by the neck never too far apart. 

I know that life won’t always be the way it is but please just let me vent for a moment. Therapy happens when I sit at my little screen on the floor in the bathroom with the rollies that lift me to new heights, a being with no weekdays playing in the background. Counseling happens when I sit at this little square thirteen inch bluelight, vulnerable to heal the deepest wounds because release cures bleeding. I know I have more in me yet that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I have a cap on this adulting, struggling to break through that wall of ownership, I’m already legal rather it’s the maintenance I wrestle with. 

Too young to be this physically exhausted this is an attack on the mental. Questioning if I began too soon, am I stable enough ? Emotionally ? Needing to stand still for a moment, perhaps I feel off because I haven’t moved in so long I forgot how to travel.