herlucidlife

I’ve been wallowing lately, allowing myself to sink low feels good sometimes but not this time. Moments at home feel long without leaves, motioning through life shell shocked. At times I feel pathetic for allowing you to occupy my grey matter, while other times I just simply feel human and this experience is kicking my butt. I may or may not have said that sentence before, who cares my brain is overloaded with thoughts, as we’ve read. 

How can I be embarrassed for being, feeling, and responding humanly when we’re all beings ? Not looking for judgment, perhaps that’s the root of shame. Trying to learn a new skill of love transference from person to craft. I’m choosing to suffer because I don’t want to let you go, but you’re not mine so I’m really just holding onto memories and fantasies that will never have a life. Eventually my mind will get bored at the thought of you but until then I crawl through the yearning to get to the release. 

Each day I become more outraged at how I left the door open for you. Not wanting to learn from the past I want to leave windows, entryways, and passageways open for you but you’ll keep playing as long as anything is left available. Toting you around, you come with me to every single moment in life, I’m not supposed to be sitting with you but I love the view. Exercise my body has gone limp, at this point my twenties have been spent grieving the love of you and her. Festering takes me to points where nothing is really too bad for you, is that bad to say ? 

Will I get kicked out of the girl group for being intoxicated on a man ? I’m sorry if focusing on my bag or myself isn’t enough to take away the hurt in my heart, those women are too strong for me. Maybe I’m a little weaker for admitting that some days I don’t want to get out of bed thinking of you. Maybe I’m weak for admitting that I want you all to myself and that I don’t care about being married, can we just go away together ? But that’s ungodly, Christian girls don’t do that, good people don’t say that. 

Loving you I’ve allowed nothing to be too big or small for you, in fact you’ve become my god. I can barely come to the real throne for the fake one in the way. These emotions manifested way before you were anyone else’s, eleven years of breathing you into my spirit, how could it be that you would be exempt from my life ? Running deep no longer correlates as you are a part of me, meaning you can’t be fully one with her if I’m holding chunks of you. Loopholes. Jump in I’ll catch you and we can make a mad dash for it !

Sounding stupid you won’t do anything, you care too much and I concur stay focused but don’t ever come poking at me again, it’s rude. Rude, you don’t have any true intentions. Rude, you only think about how you’re going to feel in that moment, not about her or me. Rude because I accepted you in with open arms I was supposed to be centered, how is it that maybe I’m good for you but you’re bad for me? 

Dosing up on my taste like crack guess you’ll be good for the next three and a half years. Creating heartache to be relieved from the hell you’ve created, move from around me I don’t have the key, you do too bad you won’t use it looking for pity in my arms.