herlucidlife

Screaming at you I’m so pissed off ! I let you go to get healed not get hitched but heck I did the same thing, guess we’re even. You’ll be the supplies needed to teach me how to let go. The lesson I never completed, emotional hoarding I’m packed to the brim. You hold so much space literally I can’t fit anything else in. 

I’m really not sure what to say, perhaps overdramatic I really question if I’m cut out for this world. I care yet I struggle with bringing that care to fruition, when do you know when it’s time to give up ? I don’t want to go forward, I only want to go back so really there’s nothing left for me here, right ? I know this is the day to give thanks yet for some reason I’m thankful for the substance that keeps me far away from the progression that You’d like for me to encounter. 

Clearly I’m not finished. God still has me here, I’m already trying to tap out with procrastination, He won’t let me. She came through again, never letting me down, she always has the thing to get me floated. A puppet to substance, to emotions, to the “I don’t feel like it” feeling quite honestly that sounds like someone that doesn’t care about life. Perhaps it’s God’s hand gently moving me forward, digging my heels in, I’ve never fought so hard to just be still. 

Still in my agony, still in my grief, still in the place I was in five years ago if not worse. Still in the area of life where things and people have changed yet I’m still that person stuck in the “I wish” phase. I saw folks today that have life hard, but they smile, they love each other, yet even with my little burdens lifting my cheeks in a smile is equal to moving mountains. The further I walk on this road the more I don’t like the terrain. Maybe I’m grumbling, complaining, being unloving but that’s me…I’m ugly. 

Today is thanksgiving, gratitude is in the air even when my mind is trying to strangle itself. There’s more than one way to kill yourself, to kill the dreams that possibly lie in your path. Emotionally bruised I shouldn’t be around the general public, my mind is dangerous and unstable. It’s scary to think that my mind could take me over and I not know it, that my consciousness would turn against me slowly putting me in danger. Thinking over the years, it unnerves me to see how my thought process has become so damaged from living. 

Living has created holes in my psyche, holes where common sense used to lie, that good girl that lived in this skin slipped through one of those holes…she’s lost for good. I’m not too much enjoying the road needed to create the new girl, I miss the old one. She was pure, unblemished by things she never knew she wanted, but didn’t need. Hoodwinked, sometimes I just want to go home.