herlucidlife

I had to dial back the times my mind thinks about you in a day. Millions is too much, bumping down to hundreds we’re doing badly because that number goes right back to thousands. A thousand thoughts, a thousand lies I believed from you. I don’t really believe anything you say at this point. All I see is a man looking for excitement that could possibly be found in someone that cared for him. Still pretending to be genuine, you did the same thing now that you did in school, willingly bringing me into your space when I shouldn’t be. I, willingly accepted the challenge every time.

You never took me seriously or maybe my acceptance of you made you think you could walk me down to the river and drown me in your affection. Too impatient maybe, you knew it was real when you saw it, had to solidify it but ultimately you lost it. When I saw you had been hitched I wasn’t able to grieve because I was hitched too, how bad does that look me crying over you ? I couldn’t but I did secretly in my heart. 

Mind unfocused, deranged, I actually believed my mind had split in two, broken from years of absence. With all us hurt people out here it’s a miracle beings are even breathing correctly from the physiology impact pain has on the body. Partaking in activities that shorten lifetimes a phobia of death has set in manifesting tension in the mind and body. Actions saying otherwise seems I want to get there faster or maybe I’m irrational.  How is it that my feet won’t go frontward or backward ? Adjusting to the gravel underneath me, my base won’t catch balance. 

If I made a decision and it’s final, is it okay to have a little regret ? Or do I not deserve that? Frightened to be left alone in the house, what if no one finds me ? But I’m not allowed to feel that emotion because I wanted this bed of lonely, I’m wrapped tight. So terrified of leaving, how do I accept something I don’t want ? Inevitably I’m walking towards worlds that are far away from the comfort I love. Warmth is in God but I haven’t been faithful so I don’t allow myself to feel His graciousness. Snuffing out the love God sends my way, the mind has already decided that the sunken place is residence. 

I was eating dressing today, I thought about how you loved family ties. Weeping for you is an art form I’ll spend the rest of time developing. Gracious with your life, can you come back and walk with me some more ? Your love felt beyond the ivy wall, I don’t think you’d like who I am. Nervous to see you, my actions suggest maybe an alternate location for me. The ripping of my heart was so swift that it wasn’t felt till years later. You redie everyday in my heart, every single moment is a crucially grim reminder of your immeasurable absence. Both of you left so soon, I cower in fear thinking that could be my story. 

Slowly walking through life please don’t be mad if the assignment is incomplete.