herlucidlife

I think I may be watching and allowing a friendship to fade, or more so it’s morphing into another creature, maybe this creature has room to breathe, not so claustrophobic. So many times I thought about reaching out, then again I’m like that with most people in my life. Overthinking approaches until it’s been months heck years without contact. A friend said something like, “it shouldn’t matter the gender if you’re friends and you care then little importance should be left on who breaks the silence.” 

I guess my mind is boggled because I have emotions that fester like puss. No love lost, no anger between the two it’s just air for room to evolve. Riding the wave I stay quiet, the brow is furrowed with tightness as is. Not seeing your whereabouts has brought so much ease to the matter between my ears, it’s cringey to think that looking at you made being feel uneasy. Not protesting, our bond is turning into those that I have with others, distant lovers but true till the end. 

Communal disturbance, my side of the street isn’t doing too well. I hope the other side doesn’t stop looking for me because I’m still here. Thinking about you a lot recently, nerves keep me from coming across your screen. Something about that space no longer feels safe. I may be off but my gut is telling me to ride the wave, stay in my lane, and think kind heartedly of your quietness. Though missed, there is a sliver of peace that I’d like to nurture. 

Literally not understanding the thought process, why is there an anxious aura around me when thinking of loving my loved ones ? What in me feels the need to be shy when engaging with people I’ve known all my life ? Rolling in bed this morning it became blatantly obvious that I am the only person keeping me from the life I want to live daily. I’m not talking about that life you visualize ten years from now, I’m talking daily healthy habits.

And I know I’ve been on this bandwagon before and frankly I doubt I’ll ever be off. How do you know when you’ve lived a healthy life ? Like who do I measure against, my old self ? Sometimes I think the old self really isn’t a good source of measurement, as she knew nothing, did little and was blank, so really I’m assessing off someone that shouldn’t have been in the game. Wouldn’t it be healthier to never look back, to never look forward but to only look at the habits I did for that day. 

I look at the girl back then, so repulsed by her behavior that I don’t want to part the growth of sins that occurred. What has grown is the hurt, the pain, mentally more weighed. There is no old self to go against, the new self has compounded wounds on the roof of old wounds. There is nothing to gauge, nothing to keep track of my health, really what I’m measuring doesn’t matter. 

Even those things that could give God glory will perish, the only thing that won’t perish is Him. So I’ll spend my life looking at Him and maybe I won’t see all the hurt I’ve acquired.