herlucidlife

Not in a good headspace I touched down on earth thinking, do I really want to live life the way I’ve been living it ? Not super worried about others because they don’t have to live for me. Growing up I learned to play it safe, I’m safe but unfulfilled. Safe is limited under the thumb of my own delay. Safe is never looking for anything other than what I’m doing, and granted life is quiet and drama has died down I won’t complain. 

Given everything I want to do better, keeping myself limited by the thoughts that spread lies to my soul, stopped in sleepiness. Yearning to fly, I tie myself down with bricks to make sure my wings will be stunted in growth. Not flying I look at other creatures soaring through the sky, they encourage me to come meet them but I look down at myself. She’s broken, she doesn’t really want to travel, she doesn’t give it her all, she doesn’t really want a good life. So. 

Not wanting to give negative energy, I need you to know that I’m not worth more than any other human. That my scars are as deep as yours and that keeping things in will not service me or you. I spread the truth in my heart because I need to see imperfect hurt people sharing their hurt. Perfect isn’t real and neither are the walls we created to hide behind. My walls have been crumbling lately and perhaps yours have been too, never alone in the fight it’s okay to feel isolated sometimes. 

The material manifested is heavy in depth I won’t shy away from because I need to see healing and what she looks like. So worried about not producing in this life, compelled to hide myself away from those that I care about, a small piece of me is trying to wither away. Like a broken record on the millionth play sometimes I just need to know that I’m not the only one messed up, and not the laughed off messed up, I need details. Guilty of the cause, I too sit in silence of the things that make me so human I’m clay in upright form. 

The hairs on my head suggest I have the capability to do more than what is being processed. Oh Thank God for factoring in the spirit of procrastination when You wrote out my life. Needing patience in this season. I have to trust that You planned for me to be and act the way I am and in the end it’ll all work out, right ? Or is that a nice way of deciding that I’m not going to actively do better but that maybe by chance it’ll happen if it was written ? Unsure the left and right brain are battling. 

All I know is, The Lord is Good and I’m not. Though contrary to my actions He’s the only reason I sleep so soundly at night. He’s the only reason I’ve made it through the spells of life. He’s also the only reason that despite myself progression and dreams will be made, most importantly His glory.