herlucidlife

Said today was gonna be the last, but no. I caved on purpose as usual, getting down thinking too much funny because I can go without but I don’t want to. The memories created with myself, it’s almost like being able to control time travel. I can recreate this moment of getting lifted anytime I want but I can’t recreate that time my mom did that funny dance in the hallway and I recorded on my old cell phone. Footage is lost. Yea I can manufacture this leafed world as many times as I crave.

Yearning to control the past while forfeiting the future. Heart rendering. Crazy to be uncommitted from my own asylum, I can’t even commit to choosing a lifestyle, simply put creating a life is also choosing a lifestyle. Not in full form, is our inner being ever in full form Or is full form only achieved with the wings of an angel praising God with all the other heavenly saints ? 

I took steps toward things today, a hectic slumber led to creative pressure. And I’ll snuff out that negative voice saying, “you haven’t checked the mail today…”  Communicating with relations that have the power to decrease the inflammation in my body, birth rooted God given. I love them dearly. Doesn’t take long for the mindset to shift, in a month’s time my emotions for you have reached a lull. 

No longer festering, no longer worried about why you don’t communicate, you’re helping me reach peace by being quiet. Talking to talk, knowing to be nosey, couldn’t be genuine to each other for all the tension in the air. I get chills thinking about how I almost didn’t speak, that I would have been stuck in that exhausting mental cycle, while you sit never mentioning anything blissfully happy in thinking I don’t see anything. You were completely okay with how things were going, calling each other friends yet I couldn’t even tell you that your presence was suffocating. 

I had to tell you, I knew I’d lose you, I’d known everything would change from just simply speaking words. I knew that you would act different eventually, goodness you never disappoint. Can’t act like the snake isn’t out of the bag when he’s roaming free. Still with my mind meandering over what has happened and how I would like it to go, I can’t ignore the damage or growth. Finding myself circling back around though not as obsessed you crept back into my thought clearly having a home here. 

Muddling you into pulp, no more scenarios can be fixated on. Yet still none of what I’m feeling is enough for me to disrupt the full amount of calm I’m experiencing. I miss you not enough to say hello. I know it sounds childish, immature; a hunch is whispering, stay away, a fondness is screaming, be a friend and check in. I really want to chill out because really we’re adults here and nobody has time to be talking like that. I’m focused on my lane, heck there’s a lot of peace over here. I bet his lane is full too. I only strain about it because you’re more than a friend while being nothing more than. 

A part of me holds out hope while a secret inside knows you’ve gone. Hoping I’m being overdramatic, what’s wrong with me ?