herlucidlife

Though not near you had to have felt my heart calling yours, you had to have heard my soul screaming your name, is that why you decided to appear? Nuzzling your face in my hair I could tell you wanted more than just to stay. I could tell you weren’t prepared to sacrifice much for the purchase, since you have more to lose than I. I don’t wake up with you on my mind because I want to, but rather it comes with the obligation of loving you. Granted not together, we are still going through things together, you decided that our love story wasn’t over, even if you are on wedded ice. 

Hopes don’t die easily as the body naturally gravitates toward what it loves the most even if the mind is unaware. I stopped having fun when people started leaving, important people, people that when left out the room feels darker, colder.  Stopped feeling relaxed when your love escaped my grasp.  Started pushing away love, started pushing away the possibility of love after you, there wasn’t supposed to be an “after you.” But I can’t get through to you, you stopped calling stopped loving me for her. 

I may sound pathetic because really you’re not a good guy. Good men don’t put their wives in situations like this, good men leave what is left alone, dig deep into themselves and stay the true course of commitment. No you’re not a good man, just a tortured boy. Not sure why you captivated me for this long. I have to go through myself to get rid of you. Entertaining anymore of your flesh would just cause more undoing. I speak as though you’re here, when really you’re a figment of my imagination that was once tangible on that ember day on the sixth, saturday. 

Not stressed, not devising plans to take you, I literally just miss you yet I won’t disturb your peace to tell you that, as it’s not very loving. Knowing myself, I know the girl that’s broken and has wounds so wide good things get lost down there, hoping they fall to the bone, inciting ointment for healing. I’m unlearning the unhealthy habits of this girl to then learn the healthy habits of this spirit. Not fully sure if this new spirit will have you in her heart, you might get erased. 

Out of line, you’ve already lied, swindled, and continue to lie some more. Your commitment is trash garbage and no I’m sorry but you staying in her presence won’t change that. But you’ll keep going forward to keep getting more lost, while I’ve gone backward to get the correct forward position. One day my found will no longer attract your lost, being found means I no longer seek that of which is lost…you.