herlucidlife

I’m not stupid I know you don’t love me. I know that neither of you love me and the only person that did I left, booboo the fool is me. Phased to the point of remorse I don’t even want me. I’m not sure what I did to make you leave without any words. Did I do something wrong that you can’t even speak on it? Or did I not make you feel welcomed enough so you felt like a nuisance? 

Hilarious I’d rather sit in questions than seek clarity that could leave me unanswered. I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble, your actions say it’s priced too high. Perhaps we’re in the same boat unaware, we’re both too tired, too emotionally exhausted to really deal with whatever is occurring. Unfamiliar terrain with an aloof companion makes for a lonely and forced  engagement. Seems to me like this doesn’t cost the amount it once was, now looking cheap guess there’s nothing to repair. 

I look for the place where I can cry in Your arms but I won’t come to the entrance. You’re too great, too omnipotent for my presence. It’s not humble to punish myself when You’ve already paid the debt and given love anyway. I need to hear You say again, “it’s okay.” My mind is so forgetful I’m being disobedient by not bowing before Your feet in remorse, staking my life on Your salvation, devoting my breath to Your calling the way I’ve dedicated to the lifted spirits. How do I get a hug from You when I won’t look in Your direction? 

How do I get an embrace from You when the fogginess in my mind keeps me in a self-sabotaging loop? How do I receive You when I won’t do what You’ve asked? Am I even Your daughter, does the Shepherd still know this sheep’s name? I hope so, I want it so, I need it so. If You believe what I say then why and how? Does my heart show the same murkiness to You as it does with me? I’m asking a lot of questions because I don’t believe the plea I give because for so many years I’ve given You the same sob story. Thank You for being bigger than the truths I tell you when I’m in sorrow and the lies I live out when life gets dank.

You tell me to consume You everyday because my mind likes to forget Who it belongs too. You tell me to hide Your promises in my heart because You know I’ll try to go through life without looking at You; I’ll fail, bleed, and look for You to be my Father still. Dusting me off not so I can be sent out alone, but so I can walk life with You closely. Dusted to be kept, dusted to be set free. I keep rushing in the other direction thinking You’ll come looking for me again, please don’t ever get tired of rescuing me. Maybe one day I’ll get exhausted from running away and stay put, luckily You told me how to get home, please leave the door accessible.