herlucidlife

Hatred is never an option, more so I’m leaning towards an overwhelming sense of indifference toward you. Having no feeling is the correct feeling for this situation. Not for torture but purely for selfish gain, it’s a matter of you’re too heavy to carry forever so I want to put you down. But can you ever put someone down if they don’t put you down too? When will my inaction lead to your disappearance? 

I’m writing this way because I want to make it very clear that I don’t know what I want from you. Do me a favor and do nothing; don’t like, don’t email, don’t comment, just stand still in the middle of the room and do nothing. Wanting you to walk away but also to stay, but you’ve already done both…well leaving being the operative word, it’s impossible for you to stay though you keep poking your head in. Wanting to make sure you’re being spoken for. 

I’ve written these words before. I need you to see the emotional rollercoaster that is created when love is lost and the mind is grappling with the aftermath. I want you to see the trail of my mental toughness being run out over this being. You’re crazy, you know that? Absolutely the boldest person I know while still the most undercover sneaky guy disguised as genuine, I’m not sure I’ve ever fully trusted you passed that ninety-five percent. That last five I could never give to you and I see why. 

Moving in unseen ways as if no one is seeing how cruel your guise is. I’ve been the person you’ve either snuck too or with, first hand experience makes for an unsold heart. Love doesn’t always mimic the amount of trust I have rather I love you more than I trust you. No I don’t trust you too much as you’ve even hidden from me to get what you wanted in the moment, isn’t that true? Don’t deny it, though I could be wrong my discernement knows otherwise. 

Weird, I don’t want to push you away, as I’d like for you to have at least one person you can feel comfortable coming to, but why would you feel comfortable coming to me after I’ve told you not to? I don’t like that you’ve always been my friend, that even when things felt murky thinking of you brought warmth. I hope I bring something to you that is pleasant through the way you hold me in your thoughts. 

Did you know that the slightest interaction with you can set me back emotionally months at a time? That the things I thought had healed can be undone in legit two minutes, crazy sometimes I think healing is an illusion until given by the presence of God in the midst of the angels. I don’t long for that time, but I sit patiently waiting for the sliver of time when God gives me a new mind and body, one undiseased by you. Mm yes, that will be true healing. 

Until then please, do nothing at all but breath.