herlucidlife

Caught a little attitude, got a little bold with the way I entertain your presence. Never needed, always wanted. I’m waiting for God to remove you from my psyche. I’m waiting for Him to remove a lot of things that no longer belong or serve a purpose. Dizzy from dancing in circles I don’t really care if you think life has become redundant. I don’t care if you think penmanship has lost its sting because baby it’s not for you, it’s for me. 

I’m learning it’s okay to produce simply for my own healing. I’d like to think I write to help some grieving girl or some heartbroken soul out there looking for comfort, but really I write because drowning sounded more appetizing than death. Sometimes creation doesn’t have to be about others in order for it to be beneficial to others. No huge vision to save the planet, no huge dream to save my community and I love those that have ventures so wide they could save the world single handedly, I love you. 

No I’m not them, I’m me. Me is stuck in her head too shy to speak most times. Me is quietly breathing air gently moving through life without trying to roughful feathers. Me is scared of not ever finding love like how I did with you. Me is scared of never being able to explore that side of life that makes dreams come true. Me is simply scared of the barrier that me created every single day when I crawl into that small hole that says, “God is smaller than what you imagine so don’t hold your breath for greatness.” 

That voice is a liar. I know it is yet my actions move through as if I have time and space to waste. My actions say, “I never got used to living life without you. I never got used to you not holding my hand through life mommy could you come back and show me the ropes. We weren’t done talking.” But I guess we were done talking and living and maybe it’s time for me to fall on my face and know what it feels like to lay there just me, God, and the community you left me with. I never understood why some children willingly leave home to seek life that is so cold from the people that bring warmth. 

Shoved into the world, I live life as though I’m still twenty, you’re here helping navigate what to do, how to do it. If I promise to be good can I please, please, join you soon? I’m scared to leave earth but sometimes I think my heart yearns for it the most. I love every single person on this earth you’ve blessed me with, my goodness, I’d turn them all in for the being that birthed me from her womb with such great joy I can still feel her prayers over my life. Can gratitude and grief live in the same mouth? I ask but I’m living proof that is real.