herlucidlife

I understand why people work themselves to the bone or drink themselves into the ground because if you stand still for too long your mind begins to stick to things that could drag it down. If I listen too hard I can hear your name in everyday words. If I sit too long I remember how it felt to talk with you indepthly on the spiritual warfare we encounter. If I sleep too long I begin to miss the gentle way you’d call me into the room to live life. Oh her soul! Rings sweet whispers moments upon moments I can’t get close enough to the source. 

I never want to get to a point where your death doesn’t hold weight. I never want to get to a point where the mention of your name does not bring tears. No I never want to be that far from you from the years you were on this earth. I can’t feel his presence. It’s been too long, he’s been in the sky far longer than my heart can fathom. People may get tired of how hard I miss you but my soul will never get exhausted of expressing how it hurts to take one step each day without you. 

To get over you is to ignore the impact your leaving had. To get over you is disrespectful, no you deserve the respect of being mourned fully by walking through every memory, every laugh that I can get to the other side where you welcome me home with open arms. Can you tell I’m not right in the head? Can you tell that grief of all kinds has left me mentally dead? Can you tell that all I do is fester over the love lost because I’m so pissed off I don’t even want to entertain anything new. 

That I’m so pissed off that I’m sticking it to God by being disobedient. I never wanted to be angry with God but what if I am for taking you away, He knew I wasn’t ready. Why? He could’ve healed you on this side, I’ll never understand His methods. I was only meant to understand what He has given. Though I could ask I’m not sure that it would matter because it wouldn’t change reality, He won’t make you Lazarus. 

So many times I’d hoped it so, took five years to acknowledge my anger with God. I’m not exempt from human emotion, nor is God scared of it. He’s hoping I’ll come closer for some much needed communion. I’m hoping the same thing but I’ll go through life digging my heels in until God gives me what I want, you in living breathing form. God can I have her please? I know she’s Your child and I am too but can’t You see I need her more?

Mmm, He hears all my tears drop to the floor, He hears my request He won’t give me her for she’s resting. So He’ll hug me gently until this life is over and my reward will be seeing her smiling face dancing in sync with the other angels.