herlucidlife

It never dawned on me that you just wanted to be around me to get me. It never occured to me that you portrayed friendship looking for an in. I never knew my attention was your end goal. I thought you liked me for my companionship, seems I was naive. Though clueless to your style of game, the one thing you couldn’t hide I’d seen and felt all along. Intuition is never wrong, your heart spoke it’s truth to mine. 

Not sure I even want to articulate the emotions that are matriculating through my heart. Bursted bubble, egg on the face, I really made it comfortable for you to do little. You really think what you’re doing is okay? Swear I want to lose my mind. I want to word vomit on you, I want to convince you. Somehow open your eyes to the illiterate ways you move. What you think is not reality but snuffed out communication with whom you needed the most granting answers you needed the most. 

I see how my being is making you squirm, I’ve not hidden that you make breathing uncomfortable for me…I told you to your face. Yet, even with knowing you’ll sit there in silence drowning, sinking to the bottom of your own hell. No, I will not accompany you, nor will I wait for you to grow weary of you demented place. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to discard you, really I want the exact opposite but you’ve made sure to push me away. 

You won’t answer. You won’t be real, can’t even fake it to make it. You’d rather sit harmed then walk safely. You’d rather watch than be a happy participant. But what I’m describing is a being that is known by themselves, a being that could get what they want because they give what is necessary to achieve. I’m not a museum for your free spectacles, my show is not for your ego to exploit at the given time. 

My life is not a jump rope tournament, though I’ve allowed you to swing me too and fro. No shame on my back I’ve lived a life you couldn’t possibly fathom. A life so free of emotional baggage that I know how to swim the deep oceans of my psyche without getting lost, while your mind will keep you from even simply speaking to me. I’ve been that being too scared to speak up even in that muttering something is better than not. 

No, I don’t want to let go and I know you don’t want me to let go but you won’t do anything to confirm that I’m wanted either. Just enough. You’ve only ever given just enough and I made it to where that’s all I needed, until maybe I wanted more. More than what you wanted to give, and honestly more than what you had. You have nothing and what you possess you don’t know. Lost, I want to keep giving though I know it’ll be in vain. 

It won’t be handled with care, it’ll be dropped and tormented. You won’t look at me with love, not even in companionship because that was never the end goal. You just wanted to be wanted and you’ll make sure that I’m lonely to keep giving it to you. Toxic.