herlucidlife

It almost makes me want to cry, I feel something welling up I want to shout at you. I want to literally shake you awake. I’m looking at an emotionally dead person. I can’t save you, wanting to bring you back to life, people don’t live because it’s forced rather you have to want revivals. You’re more than everything but you’ll keep treating yourself less than dirt. Having to find your own greatness, that is the only time you’ll be able to love the way you need. 

To possess what you want someone else to bring you is wholeness. To cultivate in yourself that which your want someone to breed in you is increase. I don’t know the future or what you need yet I do know that once pushed away some people don’t come back. I gave time, something I’d seen as precious you saw as negotiable on price. You hurt my heart but you’ll not feel that pain till some time later, I don’t wish it on you though karma likes to wrap around. 

I want to be here for you, for later, but I can’t be. I want to wait for you but I can’t because you’ll never want me rather you’ll always want to watch and sniff. You like the way I move but not enough to be in my life permanently. No you’ll play, I don’t like that, seems there’s a miscommunication in the way we go about showing affection. I genuinely love you. You don’t know what that looks like, I’m not always sure I portray it well. Yet, past experiences had made sure you don’t see with a clear view, distorted you don’t think you deserve love with ease. 

Love’s been a battle for you it seems, I don’t want to fight you nor is there anyone for you to fight against. No one is battling and you don’t know how to be without a duel. Love’s not a battlefield and for those that think that have been playing too many games. The love I’d seen had always been that of honesty, if it’s not honest than it’s fear dressed as fake. What’s to brawl for when love is something that can be given freely, with no strings or hidden fees, just open with a lot of care. 

But I can’t speak on love as I’ve destroyed some things with my hands, no love, all despair. Fighting is the equivalent of it not belonging to you in the first place. What belongs will always have a place and it won’t run when found. You haven’t been found by yourself so you keep running, and you’ll keep fighting until you give the love you want to yourself. 

I don’t want to let go because I know what that’s like and what you love doesn’t always come back. No that myth is a lie, if you love something you better hold on because letting go means to never have again. Letting go doesn’t always mean it could return, rather it could get lost, damaged, and destroyed. I don’t want time to destroy affection. I’m nervous you’ll never come back but really I never had you anyway so maybe I should let go.