herlucidlife

I’m sick of the way I allow myself to be run down by boys that never cared about me past the ego boost I gave. Love isn’t empty promises. Love isn’t you liking only when I’m unavailable. Flattery isn’t you wanting me to be single to feed the boost you need but never willing to give the lift I need. Caring isn’t pretending to be friends so I would be comfortable enough to let you in. Fraud. 

I’m crying over spilt milk and yes it hurts that you didn’t help clean it up. It hurt that you saw me struggling but you didn’t care to even speak to me. It hurt that every single time I was vulnerable you were stone. I can’t imagine why you’d think I’d want you later? I won’t. I can’t, I shouldn’t want to but I want to so I’ll wait for myself to be strong enough to walk away. Disbelief in my own love, trampled on I don’t know why I keep submitting to people that would rather run me over. 

Submission is both learned and instinctive, as it can be birthed at any time my female mind feels at ease. You made me think it was safe to let down my guard, so rude it wasn’t your responsibility to protect my heart, I’m horrible at my job. You lied, you’re the very thing you said you didn’t want to be, a liar. You’re not genuine, no one taught you that or maybe you lost it when those poisonous girls ate you alive. I know it harmed you, couldn’t help but be the same way because you had nothing left but ugly. 

I loved you anyway,  I still do but from a distance because if I stand too close you’ll kill the goodness that’s inside. You’ll murder any trace of sanity I have left, not on purpose but you’ll have too do it to survive the hole in your being. I went to speak with you but you wouldn’t speak back, guess you couldn’t formulate a good enough lie. Silence is deafening when from the right person, you’re correct in all your verbiage. 

Stuck, can’t go forward or back with you, abandoned you left the party. I’ll never understand the stupid ways you move, ways that scream, “I’m damaged goods waiting to be housed.” You don’t want to be kept, you want to be killed over, you want me to sacrifice everything you did for those other girls. I can’t, what you gave them is lost, no refund on immeasurable belongings. You gave love that didn’t belong to them, while I gave love that didn’t belong to you. Loving the wrong people can make for the correct chaotic mental process that is love sabotage. 

You’ll kill any love that comes your way because difficult is the norm. You want everything but you’ll never ask for it so you’ll not receive it either. You want us but won’t work for us so there won’t be an us, just me and you in different corners of the universe. It makes me depressed that you’re okay with that, you’ve made it to where I have to be okay with it too. You’re forcing me to leave because I won’t stay in survival nation with you drowning in a sea of tension.