herlucidlife

It may be a while before my mind stops gnawing over what has occured. Shell shocked? Nah devastation, havoc wreaked over my heart. I’ll never understand how the biggest tease in the world is looking for permanence. How does chafing equate to anything  lasting? Mentally going in rings looking at the same piece of mess, nothing’s changed. You’ve forgotten how to function as a fully operating emotional being. 

Analysing your front porch mine is beginning to waste away. We both enjoyed looking at the other’s life giving a much needed distraction from the troubles we ignored. We were stupid to think that feelings wouldn’t change that something wouldn’t grow, because isn’t that life? We were too close to not be more, too linked to be untied. Wildly you would’ve held onto me if I hadn’t said anything, I just can’t let go of how comfortable you were showing me you liked me in the dark but once things were shown you got scared. 

We were still on the same stage, nothing had shifted. I simply turned on the light. Now you see the way you made me fall, now you see the way you fell too, now you see how tangled you got when you really weren’t trying too. I wasn’t trying to either. I know I’m not hurting you by moving slowly through life but the way you trampled over me I don’t have the energy to move faster. I like the role of victim but I realize that maybe I played a part in you hindering my heart. 

Then I think is anyone really to blame? Or is it just two people who liked each other, got scared, and then things got messy, life got weird real quick. Sometimes I’d rather go through life with you as my forever friend than you not here at all. I don’t want to assume your emotions that’s harmful to both of us. I understand that in order to tell me anything you first have to internalize and wear those thoughts yourself. You have to walk around in those emotions for a while to see if they even fit you, what if I don’t fit you? Have you told me with your silence? Or did your silence say that I fit too well and you’re nervous?

I came in knowing I wanted nothing but your companionship, a relationship doesn’t need a title to be beneficial. Not wanting to be your girl, I wanted to exchange love for love just for love. Wanting to be a permanent fixture without being number one, I really wanted that number two spot. But when I shared my feelings you assumed I was vying for matrimony. You had left something so heavy that you assumed I wanted the same thing, when really I wanted to be real for the sake of being real, because closeness in friendship is deeper than closeness under the guise of a boyfriend.

All in on our friendship, we were already in a relationship. Don’t you see the two are the same?