herlucidlife

I think about you because I can’t get to the one that’s wedded. I emotionally vomited on you because inserting myself into another lifestyle is sinful. You hit different than he does. The pain you invoked choked out a different part of my heart while he choked out the rest. I didn’t really have much to give, I was already mangled from her leaving, and the leaving he did twenty years ago, and the breaking of the union’s current. Not alone but left lonely, God is making sure to remove every male distraction from my life, you two holding the most weight had to be the first to go. 

I’ll see him again, he’ll try to sweet talk me but the chapter to our story is closed and it’ll not be opened again. I got what I needed from him to move through that my healing from him can come close to completion. Unfortunately, I’ve not received what I needed from you so the next time we see each other be ready to give the collection. You don’t know it but you’ll tell me everything I need to hear to let you go. You don’t know it but you’re helping me purge you, helping me close the door on you. 

I never want to close the door on people, I never want to stop being valuable to you. Yet when that value is mistreated it really doesn’t matter how special I am you’ll always do me dirty because there’s a defect in your heart that’s not been fixed. So you’ll be back to tell me what I need, and my heart will break because I’ll be somewhere different. I’ll want to believe that you shed your snake-like skin, but too much time would’ve gone by and all I’ll see is the same serpent you’ve always been. I like to think that you’re not a slither, that somehow maybe you forgot to be human and you just simply need new lessons. 

I don’t know, you’ve not confirmed or denied. You might undo some things when I see you. Your being will catch me off guard, you can never really fully prepare for things. Life is meant to be a shock, it’s meant to be uncomfortable, it’s meant to happen in the midst of you getting prepared for that “life.” You’re waiting to be prepared for something that’s already at your door, had you considered that maybe you needed help in your preparation? That maybe I was the help?

I’m not the final destination and I know that, I know you’re not that into me. Accepting that is easy, my issue is that you screwed over a friendship because of it. More than your ego was wrapped into the fabric of our bond. Maybe tired of me wallowing over this, I am too and soon enough you’ll feel like smoke. Never to be inhaled again, doing me a favor you showed just enough turmoil for me to turn away from you. Physically gone, my heart aches for you, for things lost…us. I was lowkey depending on you being there, you said you would but you left first forcing my absence by default. 

Sometimes I think karma is nowhere to be found, maybe we are confused by the ravenous cycle of life. Perhaps karma is an illusion created by man to give our minds solace over how fast pace destruction occurs in time.