herlucidlife

Sometimes I wonder if I prayed for your exit unknowingly, when does praying for things inadvertently change other aspects in my life? What if you were passage into something else better? Simply an entrance into my greatness perhaps your job is done. Impossible to let go of too much, you’re in my major friend group, a permanent fixture on the panel. Maybe I didn’t have to spazz and speak my mind but I can only live in silent secrecy for so long. 

I’ve noticed the men that have crossed my path have not had an issue with secrets. They’ve not had an issue with living in the dark because to be found out is way too much accountability for their little hearts. At this point in life I’m so screwed up I can talk about you because we’re linked spiritually through the trauma we’ve been through. Trauma is spiritual, it bruises the soul and it’s felt across oceans, across screens. 

My spirit felt at home with yours, cozy in the hurt we were experiencing at the time, love had beaten us down good. But we picked each other back up, trying to dust each other off for the next person to come along, we had done good by one another. Somewhere my emotions got tangled but I was hell bent on not allowing a friendship to die, supposed I could’ve asked what you thought was best for the road ahead. Granted, you move as though your mind is operating in hyperactive mode, ignoring the emotional focusing on the physical trajectory only. 

Not upset really, I’m disappointed because I’d seen a good person but guess you had some things underneath I didn’t catch. I’ll never understand how my energy gave you a panic or maybe it was your emotions that gave you pause. You played the game as if your heart knew the difference, seems your heart and mind don’t communicate well. Because if they did, you’d known that games can only last for so long until they turn real. Somewhere along the way things got real for you when they weren’t supposed to. Not my cross to bear, it’s not really my job to understand or even read what you’re saying by not speaking. 

If you’d cared enough you’d set the record straight yourself just simply so your record could be clean. But you’d sit in murkiness just at the off chance you can still play the game you’ve restarted. Didn’t like you before now I do, forcing me to dislike now the chase has begun to win me back over, is that the cycle or did I get it wrong? The mental capacity needed to understand the twisted ways you’ve decided to move I’ll never possess.